


Coming to Terms

by LillianMontane



Category: One Piece
Genre: Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 09:29:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14566065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LillianMontane/pseuds/LillianMontane
Summary: Sanji’s past has come back to haunt him. Can Chopper and Zoro help him come to terms with it?Warnings for rape, drug use, thoughts of suicide





	1. Chapter 1

The day had started out so normal. Clear skies and calm seas. After lunch, Chopper, Ussop, and Luffy had dragged everyone into a game of hide and seek which was cut short when Robin hiding in the crows nest shouted that there was a ship in sight, and approaching the Thousand Sunny. The crew went to their respective battle stations and waited for the other ship’s arrival.

The problems didn’t begin until 2 more ships joined the first. There was no point in wasting the crew and supplies of all three attacking ships when they really had no quarrel or reason, so the Strawhat crew agreed that the best move would be to just avoid the situation. They scurried to release the sails and get as far away from the attacking ships as possible.

Chopper hurried up into the rigging to unfurl the top sails as Nami took the helm and studied which way the current would take them. Before the main sails were unfurled, pirates from the first ship we’re starting to swing aboard. The most interesting was a large, greasy looking man who wore a very large feather in his blue velveteen hat. He fought with an extremely long chain in each hand. Each chain was lined with vicious barbed spikes all along its length. Using them like whips, he flicked the chains out at a target, snapped it so that the end wrapped around what he reached, and yanked to either drag his target closer to him or to propel himself closer to said target. Luffy and the chain pirate kept each other occupied as Sanji climbed the riggings to help Chopper with the topsails that had become tangled.

He inched his way out onto the yardarm away from the mast to reach the problem area. Precariously balanced, Sanji hurriedly worked to fix the issues. He was so focused on solving their predicament that he didn’t see the chains snaking through the air toward him until he felt them wrap in opposite directions around his chest and tighten painfully, digging the spikes deep into his skin. Barely able to draw a breath, Sanji was yanked unceremoniously 40 feet down. He yelped and an audible snap was heard as he landed and stayed down.

That’s all it took for the Strawhat pirate crew to unanimously decide to make the attacking pirates pay. It became a no holds bared fight. As Chopper and Ussop went to help the unconscious Sanji; Zoro, Nami, and Robin made quick work of the first ship, then swung over to the second as it came beside. Luffy finished off the chain pirate and then proceeded to join Brook and Franky on the third ship, quickly finishing off the crew and pillaging the ship for supplies and treasure.

For good measure, Zoro sank all three ships as soon as the whole Strawhat crew was back to the Sunny. He rejoined his crew once that task was completed to find them all gathered around the downed cook. Sanji lay where he had fallen from the rigging. A crimson pool slowly leaked from underneath his torso. His shirt had been torn open to give Chopper access to his wounds. The sight was terrifying. The chains had done quite the number on the blond chef. His bare chest, normally pale and flawless was seeping blood and covered in a darkening bruise spanning his entire rib cage; a dead giveaway of internal bleeding. Sanji rasped with each breath. Ussop had followed their little doctor’s instructions and carefully held Sanji slightly on his side, keeping his neck straight. Chopper had said this was to prevent Sanji from drowning in his own blood. Blood which now dripped from the cook’s mouth and joined the growing puddle on the deck. He coughed weakly intermittently causing even more to spurt out.

The majority of blood though was coming from the deep punctures in Sanji’s chest. The spikes on the chains had dragged across his body, leaving behind angry red gashes. The chains had broken so many of the chef’s ribs, that not only had the bones punctured inside, but some had also torn through his skin and were protruding out of his body. Even the stoic swordsman paled at the sight. Sanji had been through some rough injuries; they all had. But this was considerably worse than anyone could have predicted today bringing.

Zoro corralled his crew into the galley. The last thing Chopper needed now was an audience. Ussop was already helping, and the most their little doctor would need was one more set of hands. Foreseeing the need, Zoro hurried down to the medical bay and came back on deck with needles, tubing, and a small cooler. After losing this much blood, the chef would surely need a transfusion. The swordsman knew Chopper would be asking for the equipment and blood-bags before too long, might as well be prepared.

The small reindeer was able to staunch the bleeding enough to begin the first transfusion. The next step was to stabilize and move his patient to the medical bay where he could properly care for the broken ribs and punctured lung. Zoro carefully picked the skinny chef up making sure not to jostle him any more than absolutely necessary. They carefully made their way down to Chopper’s domain where he set about patching the blond man up yet again.

******

Sanji slowly swam back to consciousness. He blinked and tried to focus. His whole body carried a dull pain, but at the same time, he felt as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Then reality slammed back into him and he tasted something metallic and felt something warm running down his face as he coughed. A wet cloth wiped it away. Sanji rolled his head to see Luffy and Zoro sitting next to the bed in the medical bay, the latter holding a bloodied cloth and both wearing worried expressions.

“Chopper managed to put me back together one more time, huh?”

“You shouldn’t make light of your situation, Cook. Nearly every single one of your ribs on your right side is busted. You even breathe wrong, and you’ll re-puncture something Chopper just finished sewing up inside you. That and he went through the very last of your blood bags and Franky’s probly gonna be pissed at the size of stain you left on the deck.”

“How long was I out?”

Luffy cut in, “Nearly 3 days. Chopper wanted to medically keep you under longer, but he said something about you requesting not to have sedatives used. He knows you’re not allergic, so he used some anyway, but he wanted you to know it was the minimum that would help you. I’ll go get him so he can explain it all.” With that, Luffy ran off to tell their doctor that his patient was awake.

“Did he use morphine?” Sanji asked Zoro, seemingly nervously.

“Yeah, why? What’s got you so jumpy all of a sudden?” Zoro eyed the blond curiously.

“Fuck! Zoro, how long ago did he give it to me?? And how much? God damn it! There’s a reason I asked him to never use that shit on me!” Sanji had started trembling as he ran his hand through his hair, visibly upset about something.

“Oi, what’s your problem dartboard-brow?” Zoro had no clue what had the chef so upset.

“Zoro, no one knows this, ok? I have a ... history. A bad history of morphine use. Morphine abuse truthfully. Someone got me hooked on it. It made me feel great, but it was absolute hell getting off of. You don’t need the full story, just know that it doesn’t take much to get hooked back onto. And it’s even harder to get off the second time.” By the end, Sanji was no longer able to meet Zoro’s gaze.

“You were an addict?” Zoro asked incredulously. He couldn’t believe it. The chef who was always so prim and proper with his appearance and health had once been hooked on morphine. He knew Sanji had just said he didn’t need to know the full story, but he couldn’t help asking, “How long ago was this?”

Sanji looked sideways at the swordsman as if gauging if he really wanted to know, or if he was going to start making fun of him for revealing the truth of his history. Before he could answer, though, the door opened as Chopper came into the medical bay.

“Sanji! You’re awake! Don’t move around too much. I have to make sure that everything is alright.” Chopper set about poking and prodding in certain areas until he was certain nothing had slipped. “Now, how’s your pain? Do you need something for it?” The small doctor moved toward his medical cabinet and took out a small bottle and a syringe.

“NO! Keep that needle away from me!” Sanji’s eyes were wide as he cast desperately around the room for either an excuse or escape.

Chopper’s face was one of disbelief. Sanji had never yelled at him before. He just wanted to help, why was he getting yelled at? Zoro stepped in to try to defuse the situation. “Chopper, he just doesn’t want unnecessary medication. I promise to come find you if he needs it, ok?”

“Oh... ok. I guess. Are you sure it’s not too much, Sanji?” The doctor didn’t quite know how to take the chef’s original reaction. “I gave you some of this already. I know you said you didn’t like sedatives, but I didn’t have any other choice. To be honest, it took a larger amount and more dosages than I would have liked, but you just didn’t respond to the smaller amount.

“No, I’m fine for now, Chopper. Thank you for all you’ve done already. I’ll make the Marimo here fetch you if I need it.” Sanji smirked in Zoro’s direction, earning an eye roll from his rival.

“Well get some rest. I’ll come check on you later.” With that, the reindeer left the room.

Zoro handed the blond a glass of water and fixed him with a stare that demanded the truth. “Ok Cook, I covered for you, so start talking.”

******

The next hour was a mix of Sanji telling Zoro of his past addiction, pausing to eat the soup Ussop brought him, or stopping to cough up lingering blood from his lungs. He told of how it had started. He was 17 and working at The Baratie. One of the new hires was a pretty neat guy who had all sorts of stories from around the world. Zeff had told Sanji to keep his distance, but why should he? The old geezer wouldn’t have hired this new chef if he was a danger, right? So Sanji started spending more and more time with the fellow who had given the moniker ‘Stingray’ but allowed everyone to call him just ‘Ray.’

The brunette chef would bring his creations to Sanji first before revealing anything new to the rest of the restaurant. He had a certain mix of spices that no one else used, but that he could compliment any dish with. Sanji could always tell if a dish was one of Ray’s.

They would smoke together standing at the railing of the Baratie and staring out to sea. Gradually, Ray stopped smoking cigarettes and instead started bringing needles to their meet ups. He said it did the same as a smoke but lasted longer. Gave him an even keel and helped him put up with the crap customers threw at them every night. Eventually, he started hinting that he thought Sanji was a coward because he only used cigarettes and nothing stronger. Being the naïve and impetuous teen that he was, Sanji just had to prove Ray wrong and began using the needles passed to him. It was euphoric. There was nothing wrong with the world when he did it. He didn’t have to worry about what any customer yelled at him. He didn’t have to think about the problems that would occur if the marines found their floating restaurant full of ex-pirates. Mostly, he didn’t have to worry about the future. Nothing else mattered except getting that next fix. Ray showed him how to find the right sellers when they stopped at a port. He showed him how to hide the negative effects and which excuses to use when it had been just a little too long since his last fix and he was beginning to show signs. Then one day, he was gone. And Sanji knew he had fucked up his own life.

He just couldn’t stop. Every time he tried, he would get physically ill. So he kept using. He knew it was horrible. He knew he was dirty and pathetic. He knew he had let down every expectation Zeff had for him. But he just couldn’t stop.

******

“Damn, Sanji. Never thought you of all people would be hooked like that.” Zoro said as Sanji paused in his story. “But you said you had a history. You don’t still use, do you?”

“No.” The chef responded with a weary grimace. “Remember right after we got down from the sky islands? I was gone from the ship for nearly the whole time when we were in that next port for a month?” He waited until the other man nodded his acknowledgment. “I checked myself into a halfway house.”

“WHAT?!? You were still using when you joined us?”

“See how easy it became to hide? No one ever even questioned anything. You all just assumed I didn’t and it was so easy to pretend that I could keep it up forever. But it just wasn’t right. I had found something I never had before, and just couldn’t wreck it. People who actually cared for me, and I had begun to care about right back. I finally realized that if I kept doing that shit, I simply didn’t belong as your Nakama. So I gave myself 2 choices. Either I kicked the habit or I kicked the bucket. One month of pure hell later, I was clean and no one was any the wiser.” Sanji shut his eyes and leaned back indicating that he was done speaking.

“Shit, man. I had no idea.” Zoro couldn’t believe that every single one of them had missed the trouble their chef had been in, the distress he must have gone through. Then he remembered something the blond had said at the beginning of their conversation. “You said it’s really easy to get hooked back on. How much does it take?”

“You are really asking if I am gonna have a relapse from what Chopper gave me, aren’t you?” Sanji cracked one eye open and looked over at the other man. “That would depend on how much he used and how often. So if you want to know, you can go get that information. Otherwise we can just wait and see.” He sighed and his eyelids drooped, obviously worn out.

“I’ll be back to check in on you. Get some sleep, ok Cook?” Not surprised that he didn’t get a response, Zoro pulled a light blanket over the sleeping blond before leaving the room.

******

Zoro trudged into the galley hoping to find Chopper to ask him about the amount of morphine he had used on Sanji. He didn’t expect to find the rest of the crew in there as well.

“Are you actually going to eat dinner with everyone today?” Nami questioned Zoro, referring to how he hadn’t left the chef’s side since he had carried him into the medical bay broken and bleeding three days ago.

“The cook is sleeping... Is it really dinner time? Who cooked?” Zoro had completely lost track of time worrying about that damn cook for the last three days.

“I did! We’re having meat!” Luffy laughed from his seat at the table. They were indeed having meat. Luffy had fried up a mess of fish. No side dishes or any formality included.

“Hey Chopper, how much morphine did you give him earlier? Is there anything else you could use once it wears off? I guess he doesn’t like the ... side effects.” Zoro finished lamely, trying to get information without revealing what Sanji obviously wanted to keep secret.

“There’s something else I can use, but it is nowhere near as strong. He’s shown immunity to it in the past already... Zoro, can you take some of this fish down to Sanji, and I will come check on him in just a bit?”

“Yeah, sure Chopper.” Zoro picked up a plate for both himself and Sanji and headed back down to the medical bay. Before he could get there, though, the ship’s doctor caught up with him.

“Zoro! Zoro, wait! I need you to tell me if you know something. Why does Sanji refuse morphine? How does he have an immunity to my drugs? What is going on?” Poor little Chopper knew he didn’t have all the information he needed to fully help his current patient.

“I’m sorry, Chopper. I am not going to spill something the cook doesn’t want known. You’ll have to ask him directly.”

With that, the swordsman walked off to retake his position next to Sanji.

******

“WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN HERE? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HERE??” There was a loud crash and then Zoro stormed out of the medical bay slamming the door shut behind himself as something heavy landed against the other side of it.

“Don’t bother, Luffy. The damn idiot is in one of his moods,” he growled as he passed his captain.

Sanji had been getting more and more grouchy ever since yesterday morning when he woke up after the accident. Chopper had not cleared him to be allowed to get up yet, so Zoro had been keeping him company and offering his help when needed. It seemed to piss the cook off to no end. What he really worried though, was that mood swings were one of the first signs of withdrawal. He feared that Sanji was going to have to go through everything all over again because of the morphine that had been given to him. Damn, that is gonna be hard to hide. I don’t know how he expects to keep this secret on as small a ship as this... He paused, leaning against the rail and staring out at the horizon as the sun set. Well fuck. When did I start to care about him? When did we become friends? Can you be both friends and rivals with the same person? He blinked and looked around. It was completely dark. He’d fallen asleep. Heaving a small sigh, Zoro pushed away from the railing and went back to check on the cook.

It was not a happy sight he walked back in to. Sanji was even paler than normal, but his eyes were puffy and red. He had himself squeezed as far as possible into the corner where the bed met the wall, knees drawn up into his chest. It looked like he was trying to morph with the wall and simply disappear. His head rested on his knees, turned so that he was staring in the direction of the opposite wall, but his eyes weren’t focused on anything.

Zoro closed the door quietly and slowly walked over to sit next to Sanji on the bed. “Oi, curly-brow, what’s wrong?” No reply. “Hey Cook.” Still none. “Sanji!” This time the blond’s dilated eyes slid into focus and looked up at Zoro. “What’s going on here?”

Sanji’s eyes filled with tears again and they spilled over as he didn’t even try to control it. “I am so sorry, Zoro!” He sobbed and refused to meet the other man’s eyes anymore. “I am just too weak. I couldn’t handle it. Just toss me off at the next port and you won’t have to deal with this anymore.” He dropped his head back onto his knees and groaned.

Zoro sighed and rolled his eyes before pulling the chef over closer and embracing him. Sanji needed to feel someone care about him, and he was a romantic, so this was probably the easiest way. He leaned the blond head against his shoulder and let him cry his heart out.

Sanji’s sobs finally slowed down and he hiccuped a few times before pulling back from Zoro’s chest. “Why do you even care?” He asked the swordsman.

“I don’t know, Cook. Somewhere along the line you became my closest friend. I have no idea how that happened. Now talk to me. What is going on??”

The blond man swallowed thickly and took a deep breath. “I couldn’t handle going through all that again. It was already starting and I freaked out. I stole Chopper’s morphine... and a syringe... and ...” he held his arm out showing where he had driven the needle through his skin deep into a vein.

“Oh Sanji” it was barely more than a breath, but it nearly made the smaller man start crying again. Zoro pulled him back into another hug. “It’s alright. I know this is gonna be hard for you. But I’ll help you. Everyone will understand. I haven’t told anyone yet, but this will be hard to hide, so maybe we should just let them know right now...?”

“No! Please don’t! I... I don’t want anyone else to see me like this...”

“Alright, Cook. At least give me the needle you used.” Zoro held his hand out expectantly, knowing that Sanji hadn’t gotten rid of it. He had enough of his own experiences to know that users don’t trash usable needles willingly.

“I got rid of it.” The blond told him hesitantly.

“No you didn’t. Stop lying to me. How can I help you if you aren’t honest?”

“Fine.” Sanji reached under the pillow and drew out the syringe and needle he had used, shoving it toward the green haired man. “Bastard” he muttered, mad for being caught but not wholeheartedly upset.

Zoro took the proffered paraphernalia and stood up, walking across the room to open a drawer in Chopper’s desk. He sorted through it, pulling out packaged sterile needles and putting them into his pocket. His next move was toward the small medicine cabinet. Boy, THIS is just asking for trouble. Maybe I should get Chopper to put a lock on this. Just for a little while.... In the meantime, he took just the morphine off of its rack and pocketed that too. I wonder...

“Sanji. When you were using before... did you ever try anything else? Like, if we weren’t to a port in time, did you use other drugs instead?” He looked back over his shoulder and had his answer just from the guilty look that passed over the blond’s face. Sighing again, “What did you use?”

“Other types of painkillers that Chopper had in stock. Those pills he gives for headaches and such. After awhile, they just didn’t cut it though, and instead I started getting larger amounts whenever we were in port so I didn’t run out...”

“Chopper suspects, you know. He asked me yesterday if I knew anything of why you didn’t respond to his painkillers. You used them so much you built an immunity, didn’t you?” Zoro couldn’t hold back the accusatory glare and Sanji flinched when he saw it. “Listen, Cook. I am going to get this cabinet locked up. I’m also going to put one on the outside of the door into this room. I trust you with my life. But the one thing I don’t trust is that you will be able to resist finding a seller when we get to our next port in two days. Starting now, this room is your detox center. And I am your guard. Got it?”

Sanji stared at the larger man. Fuck, that escalated quickly. One minute he’s hugging me, the next he’s locking me in here. His only response was to nod slowly.

“Good. Now here are your rules. You stay in this room. Do not try to get into Chopper’s medicine stores. If you need to leave this room for whatever reason, I will be accompanying you. The most important one is... Sanji look at me! The most important rule is that you do not harm yourself. You’ll be going through enough without adding pain purposefully.”

“Damn Marimo. Who made you the boss? You’re acting like you’ve done this before. ... you’ve done this before!”

“Yes I have, alright? You aren’t the first person I have cared about who got pulled down into the gutter.” He walked back across the room to sit next to the blond again. “Sanji, I am sorry I didn’t recognize what you were going through all those months ago. But hopefully I can make it up to you by helping you through it this time.”

******

“Hey Zoro, what are you doing?” Ussop had been watching the swordsman install a lock on the outside of the medical bay, and couldn’t hold his curiosity any longer.

“What’s it look like? I’m putting a better lock on this door.”

“Yeah, but why? Is Sanji getting on your nerves that much that you have to lock him in there?” Zoro only grunted in reply. He hadn’t been able to come up with a good excuse for the locks that wasn’t the complete truth, so he had decided upon just not answering the questions at all. Finished with that task, he turned and walked to the rigging leading to the crows nest. They were due to arrive at the next island today. It would be a quick stop. “Resupply and leave” was the plan Nami had come up with. Sounded good to Zoro. The less time they spent in port, the less time he had to worry about that damn idiot getting loose and relapsing again.

Even though he didn’t say anything to Ussop, the truth was Sanji really was starting to get to Zoro. He hadn’t started in on any physical symptoms yet, but he was well into behaving like a teenage girl on her week. He shook his head remembering how their morning had gone.

****** flashback

“You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?” Sanji snarled at Zoro as the larger man shoved him back into the makeshift detox prison after walking him to the loo and back. “I can get to the god damn bathroom by myself. I don’t need your fucking help!”

“Listen bastard, I don’t like babysitting you anymore than you like it. But until this is out of your system, I am not allowing you to be alone outside of your safe area, so get back in there!” With that, he slammed the door shut. “Now stay the fuck in there until you calm down!” He shouted through the door, hearing a frustrated scream and then a loud thud as Sanji no doubt threw something against the door in response.

“Zoro, is that really necessary?” He turned to see Chopper nervously shifting from foot to foot and wringing his little hooves together. “Why are you locking him in there? My infirmary is supposed to be a place of healing, not punishment!” The poor little doctor was working his way into a nervous fit.

“Chopper, I’m sorry we’re using it this way, but I assure you it IS for healing. The cook... he just... damn Chopper, I’m pretty sure you know what’s going on already. Don’t you?”

“Can I talk to him?”

“Sure Chopper. But I don’t know how much he will talk back right now...” Zoro muttered as he opened the door and followed the little reindeer into the sick bay.

“What, so I have to stay in here, but you can come and go as you please? Just leave me alone you god damn bastard!” Sanji didn’t look up when they entered the room.

“Shut your trap for just a minute. Chopper wants to talk to you, so be nice.”

Sanji turned his gaze onto the small reindeer who partially hid himself behind the swordsman. “What is it?” He demanded, visibly straining to keep calm with Chopper in the room.

“Sanji, I know what’s going on. No! Zoro didn’t say a word! I’m your doctor, Sanji. I want to help you. Please let me.”

Sanji scoffed at that and turned away. “I don’t need your help. I’m fine! Just leave me alone! Now both of you, get out of here!” He threw another book at the pair. Chopper squeaked and ran out of the room. Zoro advanced on the cook, growling.

“Listen, shithead. You can treat me however you want to. But do NOT treat Chopper like that!” He ended his diatribe with a backhand right across Sanji’s face, causing the skinny cook to spin and fall to the ground landing with a pained gasp.

“Fuck, Zoro!” He coughed and spit some blood into the floor. “Did you forget my ribs?”

“No I didn’t. But YOU forgot who saved you when that happened. If it wasn’t for him, you’d be dead right now!”

“If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be hooked back on this shit again!”

“You aren’t mad at Chopper really, are you.” Zoro could almost feel the chef’s resolve fading. Sure enough, just another moment passed before Sanji collapsed onto the bed, in tears again. “Fuck this! I HATE myself right now!” He pulled his own hair in both fists and smacked his head back against the wall. “If it weren’t for you and your ‘don’t let Sanji hurt himself’ rule, I would probably off myself right now.”

“Let Chopper help you. He knows what he’s doing. Didn’t you have a nurse assigned to you where you went last time?” Sanji nodded half heartedly.

“You’re right, Zoro. You’re right. Now, can you take me to the kitchen? It’s nearly time to start lunch.”

“You sure you’re up for that?”

“In another few days I won’t be again for awhile, so I’d better make the most of it now.”

“Alright, lets go.”

****** end flashback

Now in the crows nest after installing the door locks and taking a break from Sanji-watch as the chef prepared lunch, Zoro wondered how serious the blond had been about killing himself. He had never talked about that before, but he also hasn’t acted on it in any way. Suddenly he realized that he had left his ward in arguably the most dangerous room on the whole ship. There were easily a dozen ways Sanji could harm himself in his own kitchen. With that thought, Zoro left the crows nest.

Just before he reached the kitchen door, he heard a horrible crash and a loud “FUCK!!” Jerking open the door, Zoro stopped, staring. In any other situation, the resulting sight would probably be funny. But right now, Zoro knew this would only make Sanji more mad in the long run. The chef was splayed out on the floor apparently having fallen off a step ladder trying to reach something in his highest cabinet. There were diced vegetables lying all around him and the bowl he had been preparing them in had landed upside down on his head. He glared at Zoro from underneath its edge.

“Go ahead and laugh, Moss Ball. I’m sure this is just fucking hilarious.”

“Well yes it is. But I’m not gonna laugh at you, Curlycue. Come on, I’ll help you clean all this up.”

By the time lunch was ready, Sanji was going downhill rapidly. He was pale, sweating, and starting to shake. “Zoro, can you call everyone and hand this out? I have to go lie down.”

“Of course. Want me to walk you there?”

“No I got it.” Sanji turned and headed out of the galley toward the medical bay. He didn’t make it halfway there before throwing himself against the railing and heaving into the ocean. Wave after wave of nausea wracked his body and he lost what little food he had eaten during the day. Pain spread through his entire body and he leaned against the railing, fighting unconsciousness. He remembered this part from the first time around. Retching again, nothing came up but bile streaked with blood. Great, just what I need right now. Sanji groaned and fell to the deck, curling into a ball and giving into the darkness.

Zoro handed out everyone’s lunch and then picked up a plate for both himself and Sanji and headed back to their homemade detox center. He didn’t get far before finding the blond chef lying on the deck of the ship. Setting the plates down (he didn’t want to invoke Sanji’s wrath for broken dishes or wasted food), Zoro knelt beside the blond. He quickly took stock of the situation. Unconscious and obviously sick chef. Steady pulse and breathing rate. Small amount of blood trailing from the corner of his mouth. Hauling this bleeding dumbass back to the medical bay is beginning to become a habit. Zoro pulled Sanji into his arms and stood, turning towards the infirmary.

******

“Chopper!”

“What is it, Zoro?” The doctor turned from the table in the galley to look at the swordsman who crashed through the door. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Should I call a doctor??”

“YOU are the doctor! And no I’m not hurt. I just need your help. Please come with me!”

“Of course!”

The little reindeer scurried across the room and followed Zoro at a quick trot across the deck of the Thousand Sunny. “What can I help you with?”

“It’s Sanji.”

“What happened?? Is he aright?”

“Not really, Chopper. He’s starting to have physical responses to the morphine withdrawal.”

They reached the medical bay and Zoro unlocked the door. “Chopper, he’s not really himself right now... please, as a doctor, act in his best interest. No matter what he says.”

“I understand, Zoro.”

******

Chaos. That was the only was to describe the inside of the small infirmary. Sanji lay shirtless on the bed, held down by Zoro. He thrashed about in the swordsman’s firm grip. In a fevered state of semi-consciousness, the chef fought against his imagined captor, shouting incoherent insults and threats. He had reopened his stitches causing blood to splatter across both of them. Chopper was attempting to close the gashes again, but every time he got near, Sanji would lash out. The cook swatted at the doctor’s small hooves, seeing a foe instead of help. Suddenly he went limp, head falling to the side, and arms flopping uselessly to the bed.

Chopper took the opportunity and worked fast. As he finished wrapping the gauze, tightly binding Sanji’s chest, the chef moaned and began to regain consciousness. Zoro pulled a clean blanket over the thin form and tossed the bloodied one near the door to launder when he left. He took the cool wet cloth Chopper handed him and placed it on top of Sanji’s forehead. With not being able to use medications, they had to hope that no infection took hold.

“He needs to eat something to keep up enough strength to get through this,” Chopper looked pointedly at Zoro, who nodded and left the room.

Sanji groaned and lifted his hand to cover his eyes. “Shit. God damn fucking hell! This hurts!”

“Hey, it’ll get better. Zoro and I will help you!” Chopper tried to make his friend feel better.

“You know what would help me? Give me just a little bit. It doesn’t have to be much. Come on. I’ll do anything you ask! Any sweets you want any time you want. Cotton candy every single day. For breakfast! Imagine that, Chopper. And all I am asking for is one hit.”

Chopper stared at the blond chef in shock. Zoro had warned him, but he was not prepared to see Sanji like this. “Y-you know I c-can’t do that. I’m supposed to be helping you get better. That wouldn’t help at all!”

“Yes it would, Chopper! Just 1 hit won’t hurt anything. All it’ll do is help dull the pain. And that would be helping, right? Please! Help me out here!”

“N-no!”

“Sanji, quit it!” Zoro walked back into the room holding a bowl of soup Nami had made, the plates of food he had left on the deck earlier had been mysteriously emptied of their contents. Zoro figured a certain bottomless pit captain was to blame. “Don’t make your problem into Chopper’s problem. Shit, look at yourself! You are begging for drugs! What would you be offering if it weren’t Chopper? Huh? Someone who wanted... something else.” Zoro fixed Sanji with a pointed look.

Sanji looked back and tilted his head a bit. “What are you suggesting? More importantly, how much would you give me?”

Zoro’s jaw fell open. “Fuck, Sanji! I wasn’t suggesting anything! I was trying to get you to see sense! Now quit prostituting yourself and eat your damn soup. Come on, Chopper.” He followed the small reindeer out of the room. Turning back to the chef before closing the door, “We’ve docked. You will be staying here. The rest of us are going into town to resupply.” With that, he shut the door and slid the lock shut.

******

A lone man stumbled out of an alley. He saw a pirate ship dock and grinned. Finally, a way out of this dump and off this rock. He could sneak aboard, hide in the storage rooms, and let himself off at the next port. He paused, trying to remember why this ship’s flag looked familiar. A Jolly Roger with a straw hat on its head. Have I seen this ship before? Are they a really dangerous bunch? How do I know these colours? Then it struck him that he had seen it on wanted posters. Ah yes. Luffy and the famous Strawhat Pirates. Not a group to mess with I’ve heard. But it is also rumored that they are honorable and willing to help if you ask. Maybe I’ll just go that route. With that, the lanky brunette straightened his jacket, dusted himself off, and walked toward the docks.

******

Zoro followed Robin down the gangplank, feeling a little guilty about leaving Sanji locked inside that small room while the rest of them were allowed to disembark. At least they wouldn’t be here for long. 2 hours max is what they planned. Thanks to his questionable directional abilities, Robin and he had agreed to stick together. They had a short list of supplies to gather, and headed toward the town’s market.

Coming back to the ship after completing their tasks, the pair saw a man leaning against the piling next to where the Thousand Sunny was moored. He straightened when they approached.

“Good afternoon, fellow mariners. Would you perchance be looking for an extra hand on board?”

Robin and Zoro glanced at each other. They weren’t particularly looking to add to their crew, especially a smooth talking conman, but they both knew the decision would be up to Luffy anyway.

“Maybe. But you’d have to speak with the captain. Anything you specialize in?” Robin asked as she shifted her packages to Zoro who carried them onto the ship.

“Yes my dear. I am a chef. Right now though, I am really just looking to get off this place. I could repair sails and netting or help you navigate to the next island if that is what you need. I’m really a jack of all trades, you see. I’ve been to many areas and have learned plenty of lessons. Why, I even spent time on a floating restaurant once! But enough chatter. I will wait for your captain’s decision.”

******

“Sure, why not?” Luffy didn’t see anything wrong with taking in this new sailor, especially if he just wanted to get to a different island. They could drop him off on the very next one if it didn’t work out. “Chopper, how is Sanji doing? He still having a rough time recovering from last week? I don’t want to ask this guy to cook if Sanji’s able to. Cause no one’s better than him!”

The ship’s doctor glanced at Zoro before responding, “um, yeah he’s not yet ready to get back to his normal duties.”

“Alright! Zoro, go get this new guy, and let’s head out!” Luffy’s bouncing energy made his whole crew smile as their first mate left the galley to get their tag along.

“Oi! You there! Captain says to come aboard!” He shouted down to the man waiting on the pier. Waiting for him to walk up the gangplank, Zoro debated telling Sanji about this. He probably wouldn’t be up and about even before they dropped this fellow off on another island. But if positions were reversed, he would want to know the goings-on of the ship. Decision made, Zoro resolved to tell the blond after getting the new brunette settled. “Come on.” The man of few words introduced the new man to the ship and showed him around, assigning him a bunk and a night watch order. As they headed back on deck, the rest of the Strawhat crew had already set sail.

Gathered around the table that night in the galley for dinner, the whole crew marveled at their new chef’s abilities. “Wowie! You’re almost as good as our normal chef!” Brook complimented him. “And that’s saying a lot, because he’s the best there is!” Luffy put in, ever faithful to his favourite cook.

“He’s really the best? I’ve met a lot of chefs. Many are good, some even great. But the best are all to be found in one spot. And the most spectacular I’ve heard, disappeared from there a few years back. So unless you found a blond with curly eyebrows, I must humbly disagree that you have the best on board.”

Nami’s fork clattered onto her plate. “You know Sanji?!?” She spluttered, visibly surprised.

“Ah yes. That was his name. Never gave a last name, that one. I’ve often wondered how he has been since we parted ways. You see, I worked under him on the Baratie. He was most spectacular. Only 17 at the time too. But already by far better than everyone else. Second only to the owner of the place. Where is he? I would very much like to catch up with an old friend.”

“We were attacked by a small fleet of pirates last week, and he’s still recovering. I’ll let him know about you though. If he’s feeling up to it, I’m sure he would like to speak with you too.” With that, Zoro excused himself and left with a plate of food for Sanji and feeling uneasy about their new addition.

******

Sanji knew he should eat. As much as he didn’t want to think about it, it was much better for the body to have something to expel during the withdrawal illness than to just strain against itself. He had lost the soup that he’d eaten earlier, and it was only a matter of time before he threw this back too. But there was something about this meal Zoro had brought him that brought on an unexplained feeling of anxiousness. It was as if a bad memory sat just below his level of consciousness. Close enough to nearly remember, but still deep enough to remain repressed.

“Zoro, who did you say you found?”

His companion grunted and opened his eyes, sitting up from where he had been leaning against the wall attempting to take a nap. “What?”

“Who was the man you guys brought on board? The one who made this?”

“Oh. He didn’t give a name. But come to think of it, he mentioned that he had worked on the Baratie and partially described you as who he had worked for. Once you’re feeling better, if he’s still around, you can .... what?” Zoro stopped mid sentence at seeing the look on the blond man’s face.

“Only one man I ever knew used this specific mix of spices. Zoro, don’t let him in here.” Sanji had an almost haunted look as he practically begged the other man.

“Sure.” He might not have understood why, but it was obviously important to the chef, so he agreed without pressing the matter. “I’m gonna head to bed, Sanji. Chopper or I will come check on you halfway through the night, unless you want one of us to stay with you?”

“No, I should be fine. You took away anything I can use anyway” he grumbled, still upset that the swordsman didn’t trust him not to break into Chopper’s medicine storage. I know he’s right, though. I don’t trust myself, so why should he? His train of thought stopped there though, as his stomach cramped painfully and his hands began to shake again. Sanji groaned and pressed the back of his hand against his mouth, trying to prevent the inevitable. Zoro handed him the bucket and pulled his blond hair back for him before looking away as Sanji emptied his stomach yet again thanks to the illness brought on by withdrawal.

His spasm ending, the chef collapsed back onto the bed asleep instantly, and Zoro pulled the light blanket over him. I wish I could do more to help, but he’s gotta pull through this by himself. Sighing, Zoro turned down the lamp and left the room, heading to the bunk room for the night. He didn’t see the slim shadow that crept to the door after he left, slipping the lock open and closing the door silently after entering.

******

He stared at the man he blamed for ruining his life. Look at him. Pathetic. He dropped a small olive green tablet into the water glass sitting on the table beside the bed and watched as it dissolved before letting himself back out of the room.

******

Chopper left the medical bay after checking on Sanji halfway through the night. The cook was running a slight fever, but it didn’t seem bad enough to indicate an infection. The doctor had fussed over his patient a little before taking his vitals and asking if he needed anything. Receiving a negative response, Chopper left the medical bay to return to the bunk room for the remainder of the night after refilling the now empty glass on the bedside table.

******

Sanji woke as the door opened again. No one was supposed to be back until morning. He found that although he was now awake, he could barely move. Sitting up was an insurmountable task and he started panting just from the effort. His head swam as a wave of dizziness passed over him. He heard a buzzing. No not a buzz. An echo. What is echoing? A voice. I know that voice. It’s soothing. I kind of like it. Sanji felt his eyelids droop again as he lost concentration and just lay there. Wait, what did the voice just say?

“W-what?” Sanji heard his own voice slur in response.

“I said, ‘pretty boy has developed quite the tolerance.” The voice purred right next to his ear. “Not many people can take as much as I gave you and still wake up, let alone be this coherent. Tell me, Sanji. How long did you use for? Is this your first time getting off it? Or have you tried before? I must say, I enjoyed getting you hooked.” Sanji felt a hand trailing across his face and tangling in his hair as the voice kept speaking. “I enjoyed it that is until that devil of an old man found out I was the cause of his protégé’s addiction and kicked me off that restaurant.” The hand yanked painfully on his hair dragging a small whimper from the blond.

“W-whet’re ya tallking bout?” Sanji fought to make his words understandable. Damn, it is hard to talk right now. What is going on?!

“I couldn’t cook for a long time after I left that place. The damn old man broke my right hand and told me he’d do worse if he ever saw me again. What he didn’t seem to understand was that it was your own choice to start! You were at fault, not me! And thanks to you, my life as a chef was ruined!” The hand left his hair and delivered a resounding slap across Sanji’s face before moving ironically gently down to hover over his chest. “What’s this?” It pushed aside the blanket and pulled the gauze off of Sanji’s battered chest. “Oh my my my. What happened here?”

Even though he couldn’t form sentences anymore, Sanji could still growl. The hand pulled back quickly at the nonverbal threat. But it only hesitated for a second before coming back down and pressing harshly on the stitched gashes. That’s when Sanji found out he could still scream as well. A scream that was cut short when a wad of cloth was shoved in his mouth. “Ah ah ah. We can’t have anyone hearing that and coming to interrupt, can we?”

Shit! This man is insane! I had no idea why he had left! .... what is he going to do to me? Sanji broke into a cold sweat and then stifled another moan of pain as the man above him started pulling out the stitches.

“Sadly, my pet, you won’t remember most of this after we’re done. Just like last time. Do you know yet what I gave you? Or rather, what your little fluffy excuse for a doctor gave you? He had no idea that I had gotten to that water first. I have waited for this for so long. To ruin your life as you ruined mine. I lost track of the restaurant though. And once I found it again, you were gone. I just couldn’t believe my luck when they said you were this ship’s chef. But we don’t have all night. The sun will be rising soon.” With that the hand slid even lower brushing over Sanji’s waistband and rubbing harshly just below it.

Hating himself even as it happened, Sanji felt his body respond to the physical touch.  
What did he mean ‘just like last time?’ A memory flashed across his mind of being back at the Baratie. It was just before Ray had left. They were standing on the deck together as they so often had done. But then Sanji wasn’t standing anymore. He was on the ground, Ray stood above him. He couldn’t move or even talk. Ray reached to his belt. And that’s where the memory ended. As hard as Sanji tried, he couldn’t bring anything else back. But he didn’t have to remember to know what had happened and to finally place that feeling from earlier. Dread of repetition.

Ray laughed above him. “I can see in your eyes you remember last time finally. You had led me on for weeks. You started it. And I was punished. Now I am getting even and finishing what you started.”

Done talking, the brunette man moved his hand past Sanji’s waistband and down under the fabric of his trousers. Grasping the warm organ firmly, he squeezed it punishingly and spread a feral grin when Sanji flinched but grew hard at the same time. “See? You want this. You are asking for it again.”

Sanji jerked his head back and forth, causing his dizziness to worsen. He whimpered against the gag, but could do little in this drugged state to actually stop the other man. He felt the calloused hand start moving up and down his length as the another moved to roughly yank his pants past his hips nearly to his knees. He tried to struggle, but his body just wouldn’t respond. He closed his eyes and tried to fade back into the soft darkness, but he couldn’t block out what was happening.

Ray had climbed onto the bed and flipped the blond over onto his stomach, pressing his now bleeding chest into the mattress below and holding his hips tightly up at a nearly painful angle. Sanji felt as tears started to run down his face, but he still couldn’t move a muscle to defend himself. Oh god how he wished someone (anyone!) would come through that door and stop this! Ray had opened his own zipper and pulled himself out, stroking it as he shifted position to rub obscenely against Sanji’s entrance.

The incapacitated blonde screamed again as he felt a piercing pain rip through his body. His abuser had pressed into him without any preparation or warning, and all the way to the hilt. Even muffled through the cloth, Sanji could hear how loud his scream had been. Please don’t let anyone hear that. It’s too late to stop him. No one should have to see this now. Sanji gave up. No one could help him, and he couldn’t fight back. He was alone with his shame, and could only hope that his former coworker finished quickly and left him.

Ray slammed into his captive again and again, speeding up and not caring if he hurt the man below him. The kid had it coming. He had started this 4 years ago, and it was only fair Ray got what he had been promised. He kept going into the blonde below him and reached around the skinny waist to stroke the other man’s cock in time to his own thrusts. Completely wrapped up in his lust, Ray was caught by surprise as the door slammed open nearly crashing off its hinges and he felt the cold steel of a katana pressed against his throat.

“Get. Off. Him.” The green-haired pirate growled. When he didn’t react in time, Zoro yanked him off the trembling chef and threw him to the floor. “Sanji! Are you alright?” He could have slapped himself. Obviously his friend was NOT alright. But he needed to hear his voice. Needed to know he was at least responsive.

Ray laughed from his place on the floor. “He can’t respond. He can’t talk at all. Can’t even move.”

“What did you do to him.”

“I gave him what he asked for.”

Zoro didn’t waste anymore time talking with this lunatic. He pulled him up by the collar and shoved him back through the door. In his semi-lucid state, Sanji vaguely registered that he was no longer in danger. There was a faint splash. Then Zoro was beside him, gently removing the gag, covering him up, and stroking his hair. Then there was only darkness.

******

Yet again, Sanji found himself waking up in Chopper’s infirmary not knowing what had happened. His whole body hurt. Looking to the side, he saw the small doctor had fallen asleep in the chair next to the bed. Looking down, he saw that Zoro was also asleep, but on the floor leaning his back against the side of the cot.

“What is going on?” He asked the room in general. Chopper jumped at the sound of his voice.

“Sanji, please don’t pull your stitches again. I don’t have any more of your blood bags! If you keep bleeding at this rate, there won’t be anything I can do to help you!” The poor little reindeer was nearly in tears thinking of that future possibility.

“Hey, Chopper, it’s alright.” The blond replied, pulling his friend into a hug. “I’ll be fine, thanks to you. I think the worst is just about over. I was on it for 2 years last time. This time you only gave me doses for a few days.”

“Sanji, this had nothing to do with that. Do you remember nothing from two nights ago?

Two nights ago? Was I out that long? “Sure. You checked on me around midnight. Then I fell back asleep.” Sanji blinked owlishly. There was something else. He couldn’t quite remember. He thought hard. Flashes of emotion ran across his mind. Confusion. Fear. Pain. Hopelessness. And... safety? He spoke only one word. “Ray.”

“I am so sorry this happened to you! It’s all my fault! He must have slipped it into your water glass, and I gave it to you!” Chopper was wailing by the end of it. He fell upon Sanji and hugged him as hard as his little arms allowed.

“Hey. Hey, Chopper, it’s not your fault. If anything it’s mine. Zoro offered to stay here with me over night. And I sent him away. I could have prevented this whole thing.” He sighed. I could have prevented all of this if I had just not been so weak all those years ago.

“Sanji, it is one person’s fault. And only one. And he is now at the bottom of the ocean after getting a quickly merciful death sentence.” Zoro grinned demonically. Sanji stared at him. “What??”

“I’m a pirate with a bounty of 60 million. And he hurt my friend. He got what he deserved.” Zoro left little room for argument. “How are you feeling, Cook?”

Sanji made a face at Zoro’s explanation, but his heart gave a little flutter as he realized how much his rival turned friend really cared for him. “Dirty. I’ve got blood and sweat all over me. Chopper, do you know what he gave me? I couldn’t move, or even talk. I remember some of it, but most is just a blank.”

“I think so. I ran some tests on your blood. I found a tranquilizer that I’ve seen only once before. It’s normally not detectable after a few hours, but you still were showing traces at least 8 hours after ingestion. I don’t even want to know how much he used originally. We are lucky you are even alive.” Chopper glanced over his shoulder as a bell rang outside of the room. His face lit up as he realized that it was dinner time. “I’ll bring you both some!” With that, the little reindeer rushed out of the room.

“Zoro, how much longer do I have to be in here?”

“Just until Chopper is satisfied with your injuries healing. You’re clean again, Blondie.” The swordsman glanced down at the smaller man. “Want to get washed up?” Sanji nodded and moved to stand up.

“Oh fuck!” He fell back to the bed. “Damn, what did that bastard do to me?”

“Take it easy. I’ll be right back.”

Zoro left the room and walked to the bath. He filled the tub with warm water, and set the cook’s girly shampoo down where he’d be able to reach it. Anger filled him again as he thought of how that man had damaged their nakama. He hoped Sanji wouldn’t regain the memories of that night. If he could, Zoro would pull Ray back from the ocean floor and cut his head off all over again. Seeing the chef so helpless was something he had never seen before and hoped he never would again. Sanji was one of the main constants on their ship. He was strong and brave. He was the one who took care of their younger crew members. He doted on the ladies. He put up with Luffy’s bottomless pit of a stomach. The state he had found the blond in had broken his heart.

He re-entered the medical bay and helped Sanji to stand. “Can you make it there alright?”

“Yeah, I think so. Just walk slow.”

Zoro supported the blond as they moved slowly toward the bath. Making it there, Sanji pulled off his clothes and the gauze from around his chest. He stumbled as he tried to step into the tub. Zoro ignored Sanji’s squawk of indignation as he picked up the smaller man and deposited him into the tub.

Sanji hissed as the hot water passed over his stitches then relaxed into the warm comfort as he adjusted, shutting his eyes and humming in contentment. He spluttered as water was splashed into his face then glared up at the larger man.

“You’re supposed to be cleaning, not sleeping. I’ll go get you a clean change.”

******

The ship gently rocked with the swells of the ocean. Lanterns had been turned down for the night, and the only sounds were from the bunk room, as everyone was getting ready for bed. Everyone on the crew each had their own theory as to where their hitch-hiker had disappeared to 2 nights ago, and they were all trying to convince each other which was true. A scream suddenly ripped through the calm night. Everyone rushed on deck, certain they were being attacked, but there was nothing to be seen. Another shout, and they realized the sounds were from Chopper’s infirmary.

Luffy reached the door first and found no one inside except Sanji. The chef lay on the bed, blanket kicked off, and lashing out at a nightmare. He screamed again when their captain touched his shoulder to wake him up. Blue eyes flew open. Instead of recognizing who was with him, Sanji knocked Luffy back, panic clear on his face.

“Luffy, move! Everyone out!” Zoro practically threw the rest of the crew out of the small room and shut the door, hurrying back to Sanji’s side. He knelt beside him and stroked his hair as he had done that night. Speaking in a low, calm voice he tried to calm the panicked chef. Recognition passed across Sanji’s face and he broke down, reaching out to Zoro who pulled him into an embrace. The larger man shifted to sit on the bed and support his friend.

“Please tell me he didn’t really do that.” Sanji’s voice shook as he voiced the question he needed the answer too, but didn’t want to hear.

Fuck! He remembered. “What do you remember, Sanji?” The response was barely a whisper, “everything.”

They sat like that until Sanji fell back asleep. His hands tangled in Zoro’s shirt and face pressed into the larger man’s chest. Zoro didn’t have the heart to move and put the cook back on the bed, so he simply leaned against the wall and fell asleep as well, holding his friend close and hoping to give him comfort.

Sanji woke the next day blissfully warm and cozy. He opened his eyes and stifled a gasp. Zoro had stayed with him the whole night. He felt his heart flutter again. Maybe he cares more than he lets on. Maybe there’s a chance... No. don’t even go there, Sanji. Just because you do, doesn’t mean he does. Sanji was pulled out of his thoughts as the man holding him stirred and opened his eyes.

“Better?”

“Getting there.”

******

“I need to tell everyone the truth. I shouldn’t have kept this secret. Any of it.”

Chopper nodded. He was watching as Sanji prepared dinner for the crew, finally able to get back to his normal duties as the ship’s chef. He figured that if his friend wanted to let the rest of the crew know, then that was the best way for him to start the healing process. “At dinner?” Sanji closed his eyes and swallowed before looking at Chopper and nodding.

******

“Sanji, is everything alright?” Nami questioned their chef. “You seem really nervous about something.”

Sanji had lit his third cigarette since calling everyone to dinner. They had decided to pull the table outside since it was such nice weather. He was standing a short distance away from the rest of the crew. Every time Zoro moved, Sanji did too, unconsciously keeping the swordsman between himself and everyone else. He knew that they weren’t a threat. The danger was gone. But Zoro was the one who had brought safety to him that night, and so Sanji latched onto that lifeline. If he was going to tell them, it was now or never.

“No Nami, dearest. Nothing is. But it will be. I need to tell you all something. I need to tell you the truth.” Everyone stopped talking and looked toward Sanji as he continued. “I have been with this crew for awhile now. We’ve been through a lot together, and you deserve the truth. I am sorry I kept this from you for so long.” He paused and concentrated on keeping his breathing steady.

“Are... are you coming out to us, Sanji?” Ussop asked hesitantly.

“What? No. Well yes. I mean, that’s not what I was going to say. Wait, you didn’t know that already?”

Robin chuckled at Zoro’s mixed reaction of surprise and hope before she replied for the group, “I think most of us already knew. Please go ahead.”

“Anyway... as I was saying. When I was 17, at the Baratie, we hired a chef by the name of Stingray, or just Ray as he had me call him. I thought we got along great. Then he introduced me to morphine. Like the dumb kid I was, I accepted. Not long after that, he left. I was hooked for just over 2 years, and was still using when I joined this crew.” Sanji looked down at the deck, not wanting to see their reactions.

“I got off it but relapsed two weeks ago after Chopper had to use it on me after the accident. I have been in the medical bay because of addiction withdrawals, not just because of all the stitches.”

“Sanji that’s so sad! I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone.”

“I wasn’t alone, Nami. Zoro has been helping me, and of course Chopper. He has saved my life more than once these last few weeks. But there is more you need to know. The man who was here. That was Ray. I am assuming Zoro didn’t tell you any of this?” He raised his eyes to glance at the man sitting beside him. Zoro nodded.

“I didn’t think I would ever see him again. And when I did, my life went to hell all over again.” Sanji stopped talking, not sure if he could tell the rest of them about what happened just a few nights ago. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this!” He bolted from the table and slammed the door shut to his kitchen, falling to the floor and leaning against the cabinets below the sink. Sighing to himself, Sanji wondered again if he truly belonged on this crew. He couldn’t defend himself when it happened, and now he couldn’t even tell them. He looked up at the counter where he kept his flawless knife set.

******

“What?” The crew sat at the table where Sanji had left them. Ussop voiced the question they were all thinking.

“Just give him some time. He went through quite a bit. If it had been me, I can’t imagine I would be doing even half as good as he is.” With that, Zoro stood and followed the blond into the other room. He didn’t think it was a good idea to leave Sanji alone for too long right now.

Swinging the door open, Zoro knew he had made the right decision. As soon as he entered the room, he could smell the alcohol. But he didn’t yet see the chef. Stalking around the corner, he found what he was looking for. Sanji looked gloomily back up at him. He held a half empty bottle of wine, a second already empty lay on its side next to him.

“This isn’t a good way to cope.”

“You do it.”

“Yeah, but I can hold my liquor. You can’t.”

The moping blond shrugged. Acknowledging that Zoro spoke the truth. He really couldn’t hold his liquor very well. But it had been awhile since he had been completely plastered. He just wanted to forget. To pretend it had never happened. He looked up at Zoro, slightly unfocused. “What did you tell them? How I couldn’t even defend myself? How he did whatever he wanted to me? Maybe how I don’t belong on this crew anymore. How am I supposed to protect anyone else if I can’t even protect myself? Zoro, he fucking RAPED me. And all I did was lie there and take it.” Tilting the bottle up, Sanji drained it and tossed it next to the first. “I don’t trust myself right now, Zoro.” He admitted to his companion. “I just keep looking up at that knife set and thinking I could end it all. Right now. And everyone would be better off.”

“You really think we’d be better off without you? Who else on this earth can appease Luffy’s appetite? Who would protect Nami and Robin when our ship is attacked? Who would teach Chopper how to -“ He was cut off as Sanji interrupted.

“Yeah, I get it. I’m useful. But would anyone really care?” He stood with only a slight wobble and left to the bunk room for the night, hearing but not responding to Zoro’s quiet reply.

“You have no idea how much I would care.”

******

Sanji ignored as everyone came in to the bunk room one by one that night. In the morning, he prepared breakfast and then retreated back to the bunks as the crew filed into the galley. The blonde didn’t meet anyone’s gaze. He simply couldn’t stand to see what they thought of him after his partial confession last night. If they thought him a failure after hearing just that, what would they think when he told them about what Ray had done to him?

Throughout the day, though, he noticed there wasn’t more than 15 minutes when he was left completely alone. If he was going through with this, it would have to be quick. Sanji prepared lunch, leaving everything on the table which was still on the deck of the Sunny. He looked toward the horizon. It is such a gorgeous day. He took a deep breath to steady his nerves before moving to sit on the railing. Just as he pushed out away from the ship, he felt strong hands pull him back. Toppling to the floorboards, Sanji looked up angrily, ready to chew out whoever had stopped him. He never got the chance.

Before the blonde could react, Zoro had knelt down and pulled him into a hug. “Please don’t, Sanji. You aren’t just useful. You are needed. We need you here. I need you here.”

“Bull. Just let me go. You’ll forget about me and your life will be better for it.”

“Nope. Not gonna happen. Sanji, you have the smarts I dream of possessing. Your wit and humor leave people speechless because your so god damn awesome. And you’re loyal. So many people in this world, and can you name a handful that are truly loyal? And you’re just plain bad ass. Seriously. I HATE most people, but I am glad we are friends. You can’t teach what you have instinctually. I hold you dear to my heart. You’re quite the man, Sanji. Don’t ever let yourself forget that.” **

The swordsman had turned him by the chin to look him directly in the eye. Sanji found he couldn’t look away. “Zo-zoro?” He whispered the other man’s name. Then soft lips pressed against his, tenderly conveying what words simply could not. Sanji melted into the kiss. He had longed for this, never allowing himself to believe that Zoro might return his feelings. The kiss ended much sooner than he would have liked, and Zoro pulled Sanji to his feet as their crew convened at the lunch table. As Zoro started to walk to the table as well, the smaller man caught his hand and stopped him.

“Will you help me tell them the rest?” His blue eyes carried a mixture of shame, anxiety, and hope as he waited for Zoro’s answer.

“Of course.” He smiled back at the blonde, not dropping his hand as they approached the rest of their crew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanji’s recovery

Chopper sat at his desk quietly waiting for his current patient to speak. They had been sitting in the small infirmary for nearly an hour, and he had yet to say anything. Just like the last few sessions. 

 

“Chopper....” he started hesitantly, “I ... please... do I have to talk about it?”

 

“Sanji, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. If you don’t want to talk, that’s ok. But it will help you. And when you’re ready, I will be here. Ok?”

 

Sanji nodded half heartedly, “Can I go?”

 

The small doctor nodded, “Just remember that I don’t care what time of day it is or what I am doing. I am here if you need me. Either as a friend or as your doctor.”

 

The chef nodded again as he let himself out of the room. “Thanks, Chopper.” He shut the door behind him and sighed before walking slowly out onto the deck. Leaning against the railing, Sanji contemplated Chopper’s words. It would help to talk. He scoffed to himself. No it wouldn’t. It never did. Chopper knew what had happened. The whole crew did now. But that didn’t stop Sanji from feeling used, worthless, dirty. He had been getting more and more withdrawn ever since he had admitted to the crew what Ray had done that night.

 

*****flashback

 

“Will you help me tell them the rest?” His blue eyes carried a mixture of shame, anxiety, and hope as he waited for Zoro’s answer.

 

“Of course.” He smiled back at the blonde, not dropping his hand as they approached the rest of their crew.

 

The group at the table had already started in on the lunch Sanji had prepared. Broiled salmon in a white wine glaze, roasted asparagus, and papaya fresh from the last island. Sanji watched his crew mates dig in, half smiling seeing how much they enjoyed the meal. He pushed around a few pieces of papaya on his own plate, and looked down when Zoro cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention.

 

“You’re all probably wondering what happened to our hitchhiker. Ray.”

 

Zoro saw heads nod all around the table, with the exception of Luffy who, while paying attention, was also taking the opportunity to steal from other plates.

 

“Well he’s dead. Lying at the bottom of the ocean with his neck sliced.”

 

Usopp paled and set down his fork. Nami made a face. Robin didn’t give much of a reaction. Chopper watched Sanji for a response, and Luffy stopped stealing food.

 

“Why?” Their captain asked.

 

“Because he hurt Sanji,” Zoro replied, holding eye contact. “He deserved what he got. If I could, I would pull him up and do it all over again.”

 

Robin interjected, “What was it he did?”

 

Zoro glanced at Sanji who had his head bowed so that his hair hid his whole face. “He... he forced himself on the cook.”

 

“He raped me, Robin. Drugged me so I couldn’t fight back, and fucked me for his own pleasure. I.. I’m sorry I kept this a secret. I didn’t want to be a burden. Or admit that I let myself be used like that. But it’s the truth. Zoro stopped him this time. But this had happened before. When he worked under me on the Baratie. Apparently he wanted to finish what he started such a long time ago. Now, if you’ll excuse me...” still without looking up, the blonde chef stood and left the table. Copper and Zoro exchanged glances before the small doctor also stood and trotted off after him.

 

All eyes pointed at the swordsman. He shrugged, “There’s nothing more we can do until he decides how HE wants to handle this. Chopper said to watch for self harm, and that’s about all we can do.”

 

“Self harm? Like he might try to kill himself?” Usopp shuddered as he voiced the question.

 

“Yeah... or just take out pain and frustration on himself. I really don’t know. Just, keep an eye on him when you can.” Zoro didn’t think it was his place to voice what had happened just minutes earlier.

 

Getting affirmation from everyone, the swordsman stood and left the table. As he rose, he pushed Sanji’s plate toward Usopp who was more than willing to take care of the remaining papaya slices.

 

Sanji meanwhile had taken refuge in his kitchen. He heard when Chopper entered, but kept his back turned. He knew the doctor just wanted to help. He knew the crew would still accept him. But would he be able to accept himself?

 

***** present

 

Now leaning against the ship’s railing smoking a cigarette, Sanji had no clue what to do. His life had been turned upside down and was so full of pain he just wanted to curl up in a corner and let it all fade away. Each day since he came clean with the crew, their doctor had been having him come to the medical bay. He didn’t get angry or frustrated when Sanji sat in silence. He didn’t force the chef to talk. He just gave a comforting presence and reminder that he would listen if Sanji did decide to.

 

He sighed and ran his left hand through his hair, tugging just enough so he could feel something other than the pain he was carrying within himself. He watched as ash fell from the end of his cig, falling to the railing and then blowing into the waves. His gaze moved to the tip of the cigarette, and he contemplated it for a minute. It had a faint glow in the fading light of the evening. Hesitantly Sanji brought his cigarette down to his left forearm. It hovered half a centimeter above his skin, then he drove it down and pressed it into his arm. He hissed as it burned into him, the feeling both painful and satisfying at once.

 

Tossing the spent cigarette into the ocean, Sanji looked at what he had done. The mark was small and perfectly round. It was a very light pink on the inside, but a darker red around the outside. It stung. Sanji had been burned plenty of times: working with a gas stove, splattering oil, spilling boiling water. But he had never intentionally harmed himself like this. It was.... confusing. It hurt. He knew the pain should stop him from doing this. He knew this was an unhealthy action. But instead, it gave him a feeling of control.

 

“Shit. Maybe I do need to talk to Chopper.” The blonde murmured to himself. Sighing, he wasn’t sure if he should even be trusted alone anymore. “It doesn’t really matter I suppose. No one will care.” He cut himself off when he remembered what Zoro had said to him earlier. Did he mean those words? No, there’s no way. He just didn’t want the crew to starve. Sanji had a use on this ship. No more, no less. But he didn’t have to interact with anyone in order to fulfill that use. As long as he could fill their plates, he could do whatever he wanted to himself. Besides, he was replaceable in everything he did. Cooking, helping sail the ship, keeping the supplies stocked, even doting on the ladies. Every single fucking thing could be done by someone else.

 

Zoro watched from the crows nest as Sanji yanked his own hair. He saw the chef drive his cigarette into his own arm. And he didn’t know how to help when the blonde let himself slide to the ground, sobbing.

 

*****

 

The next morning when the crew filed into the galley, they found the table set and breakfast laid out, but the chef didn’t join them. He stayed in the kitchen, avoided speaking with anyone, and only responded when Luffy shouted for more meat. After the routine chaos that was the Strawhat breakfast, Usopp stayed behind to help Sanji with the dishes.

 

“You can go Usopp. I can do this myself.” Sanji filled the sink with soapy water, but didn’t roll his sleeves up yet to wash.

 

“Sanji, I want to help. You don’t have to do everything by yourself all the time, you know. You’ve got a whole crew who cares about you. It’s not a weakness to lean on us from time to time.”

 

The blonde sighed, “We’re not talking about dishes anymore, are we?”

 

Usopp shook his head.

 

“I appreciate it, I really do. It’s just...” Sanji closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I ... when... fuck! I don’t know how to ... why can’t you just read my thoughts! There’s got to be some devil’s fruit that does that.”

 

“You don’t have to speak to talk, Sanji.”

 

The chef finally turned to face the sniper. “What?”

 

“Well, what about drawing, or writing?”

 

“What, like a diary?”

 

“Diary, letters. You can choose if you want to show them to someone or keep them to yourself. We can even write out a conversation back and forth, but you wouldn’t have to actually vocalize anything.”

 

“Yeah, ok. I think I could do that.” Sanji nodded. Whether to convince himself or Usopp, the sniper wasn’t sure.

 

“One other thing. I know you’ve been skipping meals.”

 

“There’s only so much of my business I’ll let you stick your long nose into.”

 

Usopp raised his hands in surrender. “Apologies. Dishes?”

 

“Fine.” Sanji rolled his sleeves up and started washing, not noticing the glances Usopp gave to the burns on his forearms.

 

*****

 

Midway through the day, the crew was reacquainted with Sanji’s temper which they had been missing for weeks now. Nami announced that she had rearranged the watch order, taking the chef off it. Zoro rolled his eyes and laughed, knowing what was coming. Sure enough, Sanji told them, in no uncertain terms, that they shouldn’t be treating him any differently now that they knew what he had gone through. He could still stand watch. In his words, he was used, but not made an invalid.

 

Nami was taken back by his yelling, but soon agreed to put him back on the watch rotation when Chopper assured that the chef was sufficiently recovered from his physical injuries. Once she conceded, Sanji seemed to realize how he had spoken to her, and started to stutter apologies, ending with him scampering to the kitchen with promises of bringing her sweet treats.

 

“You knew he’d react that way!” Nami turned to face Zoro.

 

“Of course I did! He hasn’t changed just because of one thing that happened to him. Are there things that maybe we should treat differently? Absolutly. But he’s still the same curly-browed, annoying cook that he always was. And for you to treat him like he is less than that... if anyone else had tried that, they woulda gotten more than just yelling.”

 

Nami refused to apologize, but Zoro’s words got through to her nonetheless.

 

*****

 

Once again Chopper was sitting in the medical bay with Sanji, waiting for the chef to talk. And once again he refused to. This time though, halfway through their session, Sanji reached for an ink well and sheet of paper on the doctor’s desk. He scribbled some words down and folded the paper. Then stood and moved to the door. He smiled back at the small doctor as he left the room without a word.

 

Sanji walked the length of the ship, looking for Zoro. Finding him sitting at the stern with his hands resting on crossed legs and eyes closed, Sanji sat down next to him. Zoro opened his eyes when he felt the chef’s presence beside himself. Sanji avoided eye contact as he handed over the folded sheet of paper and promptly left. The swordsman opened the paper and read the message to himself, gradually getting more angry with each word.

 

Pathetic. Used. Dirty. Empty. Replaceable. Ugly. Waste of space. Slut. Worthless.

 

The swordsman knew exactly what this list was. This list was what Sanji thought of himself. And Zoro knew he had to change it. Sanji was none of these things, and Zoro was determined to make him realize his worth. He stood with the list in hand, and followed after the chef. Not finding him in the galley, he checked the aquarium bar. Empty. Same with the crows nest and washroom. He finally wandered into the bunk room, and found the blonde curled up in a hammock with his back facing the door.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” His voice was hoarse and he spoke without turning to face the door.

 

“Not gonna make you. I just want you to listen. This list is full of lies. I know it doesn’t look like that to you, but if these things were true, you wouldn’t be on the future pirate king’s crew. If these things were true, you’d probably be working for the marines. I know right now you don’t see yourself as being needed here. But I am gonna prove to you that you belong here and that you really are worth something.”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

“Zoro?” “Yeah.” “I’m hungry.”

 

“Well that’s no surprise. You’ve made at least four meals that you haven’t eaten anything from.”

 

Sanji didn’t reply to that, so after a few more minutes of silence, Zoro asked, “Well what do you want to eat?”

 

“Nothing. I’m sorry I asked,” he responded in a voice so small it was hard for the swordsman to hear.

 

“You just said you were hungry.”

 

“I know, but....”

 

“But what?”

 

Sanji huffed and refused to respond. Growling under his breath, Zoro rifled through the lockers until he pulled out an ink well. He moved closer to the curled form of the blonde chef.

 

“Can you write it for me?”

 

Sanji didn’t move at first, but then he slowly turned and sat up, holding his hand out for the ink and paper, and scribbled a few words before handing it back.

 

Zoro glanced at the paper as he took it. The words caused his heart to clench. 

 

I don’t deserve to eat.

 

“Sanji, get up. Come on, eating something will help... all of this.” Zoro pulled the covers off Sanji as he spoke. “I’ll flip your hammock if you don’t get up.”

 

Sanji heaved another sigh and stood from the hammock. “Fine, come on.”

 

The swordsman followed the chef as they walked slowly to the kitchen. Sanji kept his head down and didn’t meet Zoro’s eyes the whole time. His shoulders were slumped, and he looked to be trying to take up as little space as possible. Luffy saw them from his place on the figurehead. He opened his mouth to shout something but closed it with a snap when Zoro shook his head.

 

In the kitchen, Zoro sat on a stool at the counter while Sanji stood staring into the fridge.

 

“Are you gonna sit there until I eat something, Marimo?”

 

“Someone has to make sure you don’t willingly starve yourself.”

 

Sanji made a face at him as he pulled cheese and butter from the fridge. Walking over to his stove, he turned a burner on and placed a frying pan on it to heat. Next he grabbed a loaf of bread out of his bread box. “You want one?”

 

“What are you making?”

 

“Grilled cheese sandwich.”

 

Zoro could recognize comfort food when he saw it. He nodded, and Sanji slapped together two sandwiches, crisping them to a perfect golden brown. As he turned off the stove and handed Zoro his plate, the swordsman could see small spots of red soaking through the white fabric of his dress shirt sleeves. He decided to ignore it until the chef finished eating.

 

As Sanji reached for Zoro’s now empty plate, Zoro caught his arm and turned it so the spots of red faced up. “Sanji, what’s this?”

 

The blonde’s eyes widened, realizing he had been caught. “N... nothing.” He tried to pull his arm away, but Zoro held tighter and made to undo the buttons.

 

“No! Stop it!” He could feel his breathing and heart rate speed up. His vision blurred and he could feel himself start to tremble. He tried tugging his arm away again, this time meeting with no resistance. His first steps stumbled, but then he bolted out the door ignoring Zoro’s shout for him to wait.

 

Sanji slammed shut the washroom door and fell to his knees. He was shaking, sweating, and breathing way too fast. He was starting to feel light headed and nauseas. What the fuck was going on?

 

A knock sounded at the door, and he whimpered, now realizing that tears were already streaming down his face.

 

“Cook? Hey, are you alright?”

 

Zoro stood just outside the door, fully aware of what was happening, but not sure what exactly had triggered it. He heard Sanji’s faint reply from inside.

 

“No...”

 

“Sanji! I’m gonna come in, ok?” Hearing nothing but ragged breathing this time, he pushed the door open, let himself in and slowly approached the panicked chef who sat on the floor next to the toilet. His face was pale and his eyes closed as he tried to control his breathing.

 

“Hey, Sanji. We’ll get through this together, ok? Just listen to my voice, and I’ll talk you through it. Don’t try to speak yet, just nod or shake your head. Can you hear me?”

 

A nod.

 

“Good. Now I’m gonna sit next to you. Just keep listening to me.”

 

Zoro continued to speak until he was situated beside the chef. “Ok now, do you know what is going on?”

 

A head shake this time.

 

“That’s alright. It’s a panic attack. They can be really scary but are pretty easy to stop. Can I touch you?” A nod. Zoro reached out and gently felt Sanji’s pulse, finding it to be way too fast. He pulled Sanji’s hand toward him and placed it on his own chest. “Match my breaths, Cook. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Good. You’re doing good. Try to slow them down, match my speed. That’s right.” Zoro watched Sanji’s breaths get slower and deeper and he could feel the chef’s pulse slowing as well. He kept speaking in what he hoped was a calming voice as Sanji gradually worked his way back down.

 

Sanji could feel Zoro’s heart beat under his palm. For some reason, it was actually very soothing. He could feel the swordsman’s chest rising and falling with each breath, and concentrated on matching the pace. He listened to the low voice and gradually felt his control come back. He heaved a sigh and opened his eyes.

 

“Better?” He nodded, but made no move to get up. His body was still trembling and he didn’t trust his legs to support him just yet. Instead he shifted closer to the warm body beside him and leaned against the swordsman, feeling an arm wrap securely around his shoulders.

 

“Does your chest hurt?” He shook his head. “Are you dizzy or light headed?” A pause then another head shake. “Are you nauseous?” A nod this time. “Is your breathing easier now?” Another nod.

 

Sanji took a deep breath then asked, “Zoro, what happened to me?”

 

“It was a panic attack, Cook. They’re no fun. It happens when your body is triggered into overdrive when something happens that reminds you of a traumatic experience. Can you tell me what happened?”

 

“It was... um...” Sanji paused and thought back, “it was when you tried to roll up my sleeve. I didn’t see you. I saw Ray. Holding me and taking my clothes by force.” He shuddered again. “Zoro, I think I’m gonna be sick.” He swallowed erratically before jolting forward and emptying his stomach into the toilet.

 

Zoro grimaced, but rubbed Sanji’s back in slow circles. He’d had his share of panic attacks, and knew this was often a side effect. When Sanji was done, he took the glass of water Zoro offered and rinsed out his mouth.

 

“So much for eating something.”

 

“It’s alright, you can try again at dinner.”

 

“Thanks, Zoro.” “For what?” “For being here for me.”

 

*****

 

That night at dinner, both Usopp and Zoro pressured Sanji into sitting down with the crew. He tried to stay in the kitchen again, claiming he had eaten already. The whole crew knew it was a lie, and a poorly given one at that. What finally convinced him though was when Usopp passed his plate back without taking a bite saying that he chose to “starve in solidarity.”

 

Sanji’s chin nearly hit the floor when Usopp delivered that line. He had no comeback, and no option other than to take a seat with the rest of the crew.

 

After they finished eating (in Sanji’s case, less than Chopper would have liked, but at least it was something) Nami announced they would be playing a game and that no one was allowed to leave the galley. Sanji gathered the dishes and moved to leave the room to the kitchen.

 

“Everyone includes you, Sanji. You’d better just be dropping those off and coming right back.”

 

“But, Nami-san, surely you don’t really need me. I have to wash these....”

 

“Sanji! Play with us! Captain’s orders!”

 

Well, he couldn’t get out of that one. “Alright Luffy. I’ll be right back.”

 

Sanji took the dishes to the kitchen and left them to soak. He took the opportunity to duck outside for a quick smoke before heading back to join the crew. Knowing he shouldn’t, but lusting for the feeling of control it gave him, he put out the cigarette on his left forearm again. He contemplated the previous burns. They were in different stages of healing. The first few were already scabbed over. A few had blistered, and some had rubbed raw on his sleeves and were bleeding slightly. He knew he should stop doing this. But when his memories got to be too much, and he was numb, it made him feel something again. And when he felt nothing but pain, it gave him a way to control it. He shook himself back to the present and made his way back into the galley.

 

“Right, Sanji please sit down.” Once he obeyed, Nami continued with the game instructions. “Now the point of the game is to be the person with the most points. To get points...”

 

“What do you win?” Usopp interrupted.

 

“MEAT!”

 

“Candy?”

 

“A night of peace and quiet?” Nami glared at Zoro for that last one before hitting Usopp for the initial interruption.

 

“You just win the game, that’s it. Now, each round the person whose turn it is writes a word or phrase and places the paper face up on the table in the middle so everyone can see it. Then they close their eyes. Each person then writes a single word they think relates to the first word and puts it face down on the table. The person whose turn it is then gathers them all up and has to guess who wrote each one. For each correct guess, they get a point. The person with the most points at the end wins. Questions?”

 

No one had any questions, and Nami designated herself the first person. Her word was “adventure.” Everyone wrote their answers and tossed them in a pile before she gathered them up to guess.

 

“Hmmm let’s see. Fun is Luffy. Dangerous must be Usopp. Knowledge goes to Robin...” she got nods from each person so far. “Friends is probably... Chopper. Super is definitely Franky.” This one brought eye rolls and a pose. “Thrilling I think is Brook?” Another nod, and maybe a smile, but it is difficult to say with a skeleton. “That just leaves two. Annoying and entertaining. I’m gonna say Sanji’s was entertaining and Zoro’s was annoying.”

 

“Close, but no cigar.” Zoro smirked at her from his seat.

 

“What? YOU said adventures are entertaining? Oh well. I still got 6 points.” She wrote the number six next to her name on a separate piece of paper. “Luffy, you’re next.”

 

Luffy of course chose the word “meat.” He automatically got all eight points because every single person wrote “Luffy” on their response sheets, and the turn passed to Chopper whose word was “learning.” He only earned three points. Brook chose “friends” and tied with Nami and Franky tied with Chopper by choosing the word “engineer.” Zoro took the most time to figure out the responses to his word “memories” but got all eight points. Usopp spelled his word wrong, but still got four points in between the laughter. Sanji chose “fish” and earned five points. Which brought the turn to Robin to end the first round. She chose a name. “Sanji.”

 

Robin took her time reading out the responses and matching them to who she thought their writers were. “Food goes with Luffy. Pervert goes with Brook, even if that is a bit hypocritical. Flirt must be Nami, and Chopper I’m sure wrote friend. Let’s see.... I’d match Usopp with temper. So that leaves Franky, Zoro, and Sanji himself, for the words trouble, sexy, and ... worthless.”

 

Sanji stood and without a word left the room.

 

“Zoro, how could you write that about him? You know more than us what he went through, how can you say he’s worthless!?” Nami prepared to hit the swordsman for good measure when he interrupted her.

 

“I didn’t write that, Nami.”

 

“You... what? Oh, I suppose you wrote sexy.” She said sarcastically with an eye roll.

 

Zoro didn’t have time to form a response when Robin interjected, “I think what we should focus on, Nami, is what our chef wrote about himself.”

 

At that moment, the voice of the chef in question floated through the closed door that led to the medical bay, “um, Chopper? Can you come in here please?”

 

*****

 

Sanji stood and without a word left the room. He went straight to his kitchen, his haven. He really messed that up. Why had he written that? Well, it was his first thought, and that was the rule of the game. Of course they would agree, but he just couldn’t stay there to hear it. The chef sat on the floor, leaning against the cabinets and smoking a cigarette. He held it over this forearm, but paused, and looked up at his knife set. He reached up and pulled the paring knife from its place in the block.

 

This, this could give him the control he needed over the constant pain he lived with. He touched the cold metal to his skin and drew the razor sharp edge across his own arm. It hurt.But he was in control of it. He couldn’t control the pain of feeling worthless in the crew, but he could control how deep he cut, and how much. As the blood started flowing, he watched it run down his wrist and cried. He might not have had a choice when Ray used him, but he did now. This was HIS choice. He CHOSE to add each bright red line to his arms. He cut in a daze. When he started to feel cold and a bit light headed, he realized what he had done.

 

“Shit.” It came out hoarse and faint. “I really fucked up.”

 

Sanji stood and stumbled to the door. He made his way to the medical bay and sat on the bed when he got there. Hearing voices in the galley still, he called out for Chopper, “um, Chopper? Can you come in here please?”

 

The small doctor walked through the door immediately. “What can I help you with Sanji?”

 

“I think I made a mistake.” Sanji took his shirt off, revealing the lines dripping blood on both arms. “I need help, Chopper. Please?” Before he had even finished the question, the doctor had run to him, bandages in hand. He made Sanji lie flat on the bed and quickly attached a heart monitor to him. Then he poured antiseptic over the chef’s cuts on both arms and wrapped them tightly from elbow to wrist. He could have done each cut individually, but Sanji had really sliced himself up, at least eight on his left arm, and five or six on his right. Chopper wanted to cry seeing what his friend had done to himself.

 

“Why, Sanji?”

 

The blonde shook his head and refused to meet Chopper’s eyes.

 

“Ok, but just tell me one thing. Did you intend to kill yourself?”

 

Sanji shook his head again. “No... it just ... got out of control.”

 

“Well you did the right thing, coming to me. You’ll be fine. Sleep if you want to, cause you did loose quite a bit, but not enough to cause any damage. Do you want me to stay here with you?” Another shake of his head. “Do you want someone else to sit with you?”

 

Sanji paused. Yes, he thought to himself. I want Zoro. For some inexplicable reason, the swordsman was synonymous to safety now. Maybe it was because he had helped Sanji through so much. Maybe it was because he hadn’t treated him any less even after everything that had happened.

 

“Sanji?” Chopper prompted. The chef nodded hesitantly. “Can you get Zoro?”

 

“Of course. We’ll be right back.”

 

Sanji closed his eyes as Chopper left the room. He sighed again. He really hadn’t meant to go this far. Just one more reason why he didn’t deserve to be on this crew.

 

*****

 

When Sanji woke up, he saw Zoro sitting in the chair next to the bed, watching him.

 

“How long have you felt that way about yourself, Cook?”

 

“The cutting’s new.”

 

“And the rest? It’s not all just because of what happened a few weeks ago, is it.”

 

Sanji shook his head, but couldn’t seem to vocalize any words.

 

They sat in silence for awhile before Zoro moved the chair closer to the bed. He reached up to his left bicep and removed the ever-present bandana. Rolling up the sleeve just a little, he angled his body so Sanji could see what he revealed.

 

The blonde inhaled sharply, and reached his hand toward the swordsman. He traced three thin scars gently with his fingers. They weren’t very long, just five centimeters in length. Sanji could tell that they were old since they were flush with the rest of Zoro’s skin and not bumped up like a fresh scar would be. And they were white in colour, faded but not gone. They’d always be there as a reminder…. ‘a reminder of what?’ Sanji wondered.

 

“When?”

 

“Not long after… her… death.”

“The girl you got the sword from?”

 

“Yeah. Everything else in life had spiraled out of control. Doing this gave me back some of that control I had lost. I just kept opening up the same ones over and over. They’ll never fully disappear. I’m still not sure if I regret doing it or not. I know that it wasn’t exactly a healthy choice, but I never went as far as you did today.”

 

“I didn’t mean to go this far.”

 

“Chopper said you told him you weren’t trying to kill yourself.”

 

“I wasn’t! I just….” Frustrated, Sanji hit his fist against the mattress. “I didn’t pay attention to how much I had done until I started getting dizzy and realized that I had fucked up yet again. God damn it! Everything I do, I fuck up.”

 

“Sanji, it’s alright. You just need a different outlet. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but you really do need to talk to someone about what happened. And before you start yelling at me (Sanji exhaled harshly the breath he had taken to do just that), I don’t mean you have to actually talk. I mean you have to let someone know how you feel and what help you need from us to start healing.”

 

“Have you ever been in a relationship, Zoro?”

 

The swordsman gave him a confused look at the sudden change in topic. “Nothing long term, why?”

 

“So you’ve had sex?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“With a guy or girl?”

 

“Sanji, what’s this about?”

 

“Just answer! Please…”

 

“Both.”

 

“Did you enjoy it?”

 

“It was ok. I don’t really see what the big hype is about, honestly. I mean, physically it was pleasurable, but I didn’t have any real connection with the other person, so it didn’t mean much to me.”

 

“I’ve only done it with one person.”

 

“Aside from…?”

 

“No.”

 

“Shit.”

 

“I don’t really want to try it again. It hurt so much. I just don’t understand why anyone would do that voluntarily.” Sanji couldn’t meet Zoro’s eyes anymore as he continued, “I mean, I’ve done oral, but that’s different anyway.”

 

“You flounce around girls enough, don’t you want it with them?” Zoro wasn’t sure what he was getting himself into with this conversation.

 

“Not really… I don’t want to hurt them. Ladies deserve to be honored and adored, not exploited and used for that.”

 

“It’s not supposed to hurt, Sanji. If done correctly, it’s an enjoyable experience for both sides.”

 

“That is supposed to feel good. Getting torn open and bleeding is supposed to be fun. I don’t buy it.”

 

“The first time I took it from another guy, I didn’t think it would be anything great. I figured that the one doing it would get the pleasure, and the other just kinda had to take it. But I was proved wrong. If you’re properly prepared it feels really good. Have you ever tried anything when you… you know…” Zoro waved his hand around trying to get the message across without actually saying the words.

 

“When I jack off?” Sanji gave a wry smile as he actually made Zoro blush. “No, I haven’t.”

 

“Well next time, maybe you should. If you know what it’s supposed to feel like, maybe you’d be open to the idea of trying it correctly in the future.”

 

“Zoro?”

“What?”

 

“You look like a tomato.”

 

“Shut up, Curly-brow.”

 

Sanji’s laugh followed him out of the medical bay.

 

*****

 

Chopper released Sanji from the infirmary the next morning. He had rewrapped the cuts, wanting to make sure nothing got infected. Once again he wrapped all the way from elbow to wrist. He had taken the opportunity to spread some burn cream on the cigarette burns too.

 

“There are better ways to cope you know, Sanji.”

 

“It’s not about coping, Chopper. It’s… I can’t really explain it. But don’t worry. I won’t be doing that anymore.”

 

“You didn’t find a different way to harm yourself, did you?”

 

“Chopper, I’m a chef. There are plenty of ways I can harm myself in my own kitchen. If I really wanted to, I could be dead in seconds.” He felt bad immediately after saying that, even if it was true. The poor little reindeer looked horrified and tears filled his wide eyes. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t funny. I won’t. Promise.” Chopper accepted the apology with a hug.

 

“French toast ok for breakfast?”

 

The little reindeer wiggled in a happy dance and happily agreed.

 

*****

 

The day passed without incident, but when Brook came to wake Sanji for his night watch rotation, the entire ship was woken instead.

 

The chef was sleeping curled on his side on the couch in the bunkroom. His blanket had slid off, but it was a warm night so he didn’t wake up from it. Brook shook his shoulder as he had every time before when waking Sanji for his watch. This time, though, received an extremely different reaction. Sanji started screaming bloody murder and lashed out at the skeleton. Brook had never been on the receiving end of the chef’s attacks, and it was a good thing that skeletons can’t bruise, because he would have been in serious need of ice. As it was, he felt the blows stop, blocked by a solid form that suddenly stood in front of him.

 

Zoro knocked Sanji back from where he stood over Brook and Usopp hurriedly lit the lamps. Comprehension slowly dawned on Sanji’s face and his eyes widened.

 

“Zoro?”

 

“Are you with us, Cook?” He didn’t drop his defenses yet.

 

“Yeah. I’m… I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s alright. You’ll have to do more to damage these old bones!”

 

Sanji gave them a sad smile. “Thanks Brook. But it’s not alright. How can you trust me as nakama if I attack you? I’ll just go…. on watch.” He slipped out of the room before anyone could stop him.

 

*****

 

The next morning, Sanji was still in the crows nest. He had chosen to take Usopp’s watch as well and didn’t come down until the sun rose and it was time to make breakfast. He set out bagels with cream cheese, pancakes with jam, and eggs with lots of bacon. Nibbling on a bagel, the chef sat on a stool in the kitchen listening as the rest of the crew ate breakfast. He had spent his time on watch making a plan. What happened with Brook was the last straw. This was something that he could recover from, and he would make sure that his nakama didn’t have to suffer along with him.

 

*****

 

He met with Chopper in the medical bay as normal. “Chopper, I want to talk about it.”

 

“Sanji, that’s great! We can really make some progress in your healing if you do. There’s a few things we can do.”

 

The small doctor explained the different therapy methods that they could use. The most common (and the one with highest success) simply consisted of Sanji being exposed to and discussing memories of his own assault. This would help him learn how to react to triggers in a healthy way that wouldn’t harm him or anyone else.

 

Chopper also wanted Sanji to open up more about his low self worth, which Sanji shared was already a problem before this happened to him. He’d actually been on depression medication once in the past, but they made him ill and so low on energy he couldn’t even make it all the way through a full shift at the Baratie. He’d been able to manage it pretty well with the right balance of exercise and proper sleep. But he revealed to Chopper that when he missed or skipped a meal, his mood always went downhill and started a downward spiral. He would miss a meal and when the next mealtime came, he would have convinced himself he didn’t really deserve to eat, so he wouldn’t. And it spiraled in a vicious cycle.

 

The small doctor assured the blonde that it was nothing to be ashamed of, and that they would work through everything at his own pace. The first day, they didn’t do anymore than discussing the therapy options. They progressed steadily for the next few days, but on the fifth, Sanji pushed himself too far and fled from the infirmary. He climbed to the crows nest.

 

Zoro turned to face the entry when he heard the door slam open. Surprised to see Sanji, he was even more taken back when the chef threw himself bodily at him, trembling and in tears. He caught the blonde and held him in a close embrace.

 

“Sanji, what happened?”

 

“I.. I can’t.... I tried.... p-please...” Sanji couldn’t get enough air to form proper sentences in response.

 

“Cook, remember, match my breaths. You’re safe. It’s over. It’s just you and me. Deep breaths. That’s right. Good.”

 

When Sanji could breathe right again, he didn’t pull away from the swordsman, instead turned his face into the crook of his neck and mumbled something.

 

“What?”

 

“I said I’m sorry.”

 

“Why are you sorry?”

 

“Because I couldn’t handle even talking with Chopper and I needed you to save me again.”

 

“I’ll save you as many times as you need, Cook. Can you tell me what happened?”

 

“No.”

 

“You can’t even try?”

 

“It’s stupid.”

 

“I doubt that. Come on. Try.”

 

Sanji huffed then pushed back from where Zoro had him pressed to his chest. “Chopper had me describe what it felt like. He said I didn’t have to go into extreme detail, but I thought I was ready. Partway through, he touched me. Gently, and just on the arm, but I freaked out.”

 

“Was this as bad as the last one? Does your chest hurt? Dizzy?”

 

Sanji shook his head. “I knew what was happening this time. It’s why I came to you. I’m a bit light headed, a little nauseous. But at least this time I didn’t think I was dying... I need to lie down.”

 

Zoro helped him to the bench and waited until he was settled. Placing a water bottle (and trash can just in case) within easy reach, he made sure the chef was comfortable. “I’ll be right back, ok Cook? Just gonna go grab a blanket.”

 

Sanji nodded, his lips tight and arm thrown across his eyes. Zoro left the crows nest, but halfway down the rigging heard Sanji start retching. He just wished he could do more to help.

 

*****

 

Sanji slept for the next two hours, waking up just before it was time for him to start making dinner. Zoro sat on the crows nest floor, legs crossed and eyes closed. The chef tried to sneak out without disturbing his meditation, but didn’t make it before Zoro opened his eyes and looked right at him.

 

“Better?”

 

“Yeah. Did you stay with me the whole time?”

 

“Didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

 

Sanji smirked. “Sure you didn’t. Thanks. I’ll call when dinner’s ready.”

 

He left the crows nest, stopping to speak quietly with Chopper before moving to the kitchen. He assured their doctor that he wasn’t at fault for what happened, even managing to explain what exactly had happened. They talked for a bit, and decided that Sanji could start working gradually on getting used to being touched again. He had been avoiding instigating any contact, and everyone else on the crew was trying to minimize it as well.

 

Instead of just setting out dinner that night, Sanji chose to plate each meal and hand them out. He touched each person in some way when handing them their dinners. A brush on the arm, a hand on the back, a slap to Luffy’s wandering rubber hands. During the meal, he told them what he was doing, and what he needed each of them to do to help.

 

“So, if each of you could instigate small touches throughout the day, that would be a great help.”

 

Chopper interjected, “not by surprise though!”

 

“Have you tried what we talked about yet, Cook?” Zoro smirked as he asked his question.

 

“Tried... What did we talk... NO!” Sanji’s face burned as he realized what the swordsman was asking.

 

“What did you talk about? Can I try it?” Luffy just wanted to be included.

 

“Don’t worry about it, Luffy.” Sanji successfully distracted their captain with another serving of roast. As he sat down at his place at the table, though, he wondered if maybe it was something he really should try. After all, he and Chopper had discussed how consensual or solo sexual activities could help alleviate the symptoms of depression. He resolved to try it tonight.

 

*****

 

Sanji snuck out of the bunk room after everyone was asleep. Luffy and Usopp we’re managing to converse while both dead to the world. Franky was snoring; Chopper was curled up in a fuzzy ball, and Brook. Well who knew what a skeleton did to sleep, but he didn’t say a word when Sanji left the room. Only Zoro wasn’t accounted for. But he was supposed to be on watch that night in the crows nest anyway, so he wouldn’t be a problem. The blonde made his way to the washroom, nervously looking around as if he expected to get caught before even starting.

 

Once there, he decided a hot shower would help. Turning on the water, he stripped out of his suit and took the time to look at his arms. The cuts had all healed over, but were still the light pink colour of a fresh scar. Shaking himself out of thinking about them too much, he turned to enter the shower.

 

Already half hard from the anticipation, it didn’t take long for Sanji to stroke his cock to full attention. He started a steady pace, keeping a firm pressure. He groaned. It had been quite awhile since he had last done this. Knowing he wouldn’t last very long, he trailed his other hand down. He rolled his testicles around in one hand, squeezing gently and teasing himself before moving past them to his entrance.

 

This he hadn’t done before. But Zoro had a point. Maybe doing it to himself in a way that felt good would help him enter into sexual relationships later without thinking about what Ray had done. He had never experienced enjoyable penetration, only the rough and painful treatment from his abuser. Sanji felt his heart speed up as he brushed his fingers against himself. In the back of his mind, he was half scared he would trigger a panic attack by doing this. But in the end, he decided the potential benefits outweighed the negatives, and he slowly pushed one finger inside.

 

The hand on his cock slowed as he experienced something new. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t all that great either. More or less, just a new pressure. He worked his finger in deeper and twisted it around a bit. He sped his other hand up again and tried not to think of the only other person who had been inside him.

 

Sanji suddenly let out a moan, much louder than he intended it to be, but unable to control it. He had hit something inside himself that felt wonderful. Stroking his finger over the same spot again, he began to pant and he felt his balls tighten and rise. Still massaging his prostate, Sanji came with an extremely sexual groan. He had never experienced quite that level of stimulation. Maybe having a sexual partner in the future wouldn’t be such a bad thing. At least he understood now that penetration really could be enjoyable.

 

The blonde stood with his eyes closed and head tilted back. His heart was racing, but for the first time in weeks, it was from pleasure and not from terror. Gradually coming back down to his senses, he was over taken by a wave of exhaustion. Quickly turning off the shower and toweling dry, Sanji stumbled to the bunk room and fell into one of the hammocks. It was the first night since his assault that he didn’t have any nightmares.

 

*****

 

That night, Zoro watched as the chef crept out of the bunk room and to the washroom. The swordsman hadn’t been in the crows nest, instead he was sitting at the base of the mast. Curious as to why Sanji was skulking around in the night, he followed the blonde. Stopping outside the washroom, he heard the shower running and a low moan come through the closed door. He raised one eyebrow. Had Sanji really taken his advice? Another shuttering groan was heard then the water turned off. Zoro silently left where he was standing and made his way to the crows nest, looking down and watching as Sanji stumbled across the deck back to the bunk room.

 

*****

 

The next day, Sanji refused to speak to Zoro. He didn’t even stay in the same room alone with the swordsman. Zoro tried over and over to ask Sanji what the problem was, but each time he received a mumbled response and no eye contact. As a last resort, he decided to volunteer for dishes at dinner. But Sanji even foiled him there, and asked Usopp for help instead.

 

They stood at the sink together, Sanji washing and Usopp drying. Every few dishes, the sniper would brush his hand against the cook’s as he passed them over. Sanji’s flinches got smaller each time.

 

Sanji finally broke the silence, “Usopp, what do you think about dating?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Not me, idiot. What do you think about dating in general. Is it something that has to be sexual, or can it just be two people enjoying each other’s company?”

 

“I suppose it could be either one. As long as both parties agree, it can be pretty much anything. Are you finally going to ask Nami instead of just goofing around her?”

 

“I don’t goof!” Sanji refuted, “and no, not Nami.”

 

“Robin?”

 

“Look, it doesn’t matter, and now we’re done with the dishes, sooo....”

 

“It’s Zoro isn’t it?”

 

Sanji’s face turned bright red, and Usopp had his answer.

 

“And you’re worried he might want something sexual and you won’t be ready.”

 

The chef nodded, and Usopp sighed, “come on.” He walked to the nearby couch and waited for Sanji to join him.

 

“The biggest thing is communication. If you don’t tell him what you want or don’t want, you’ll constantly be worried about something going wrong. What would you say, for example, if he agrees to a relationship and asks you for sex?”

 

Sanji looked down slightly, “alright.”

 

“Do you actually want it?”

 

“I mean, if he does....”

 

“No, Sanji. You’re supposed to be stopping self destructive behavior. You tell him what you actually think, the true truth.”

 

“That I kinda want to, but am scared? And what if we try, and I need to stop because it’s too much? And what if he doesn’t stop? But he’s done so much to help me that I know I owe him a lot, and maybe he wants it as repayment?...”

 

Usopp cut him off, “Sanji, do you really think Zoro’s been helping you because he wants sexual repayment?”

 

“I dunno. He knows I’m easy anyway, so why wouldn’t he?”

 

“You were drugged. That doesn’t make you easy.” But Sanji wasn’t listening. He eyes were unfocused and far away.

 

“I felt so pathetic. I couldn’t even speak, let alone raise any sort of fight. And he didn’t just use me. He made sure I knew it was my fault. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But it was so confusing too. He kept groping me, and my body responded to that, but it made me feel so... so dirty. He tore me open, and it didn’t matter how much I screamed, he kept going harder and faster.But then Zoro pulled him away....” He shook himself back to the present when he felt a touch on his back. He looked up through tears and realized Usopp was rubbing his back and watching him with a concerned expression. Sanji’s eyes widened. This was the first time he had been able to stand being touched while thinking or talking about his assault. He didn’t panic, and didn’t feel the need to run away.

 

Sanji managed to give Usopp a small smile, trying to let him know he was alright. “I know that it wasn’t my fault, I really do. But sometimes I still feel like I don’t belong on this crew anymore.”

 

“There are a lot of chef’s out there, Sanji.”

 

“That’s my point. There are plenty to replace me.”

 

“Wrong point. Even with all those other chef’s, Luffy chose YOU. We want you because you’re you. And we respect you no matter what. So does Zoro. He won’t do anything you don’t want, so what’ve you got to lose from telling him?”

 

Sanji nodded, thinking about Usopp’s words. “I tried to kill myself you know.”

 

“I... I didn’t know.”

 

The blonde nodded. “Right before Zoro helped me tell you all what had happened. He pulled me back from throwing myself off the ship. And what he told me right after. It made me realize suicide really wasn’t a very good solution to my problems. Gave me hope for being able to recover. So I haven’t tried it since.”

 

“So your arms?”

 

“Was not an attempt. It was a fucking stupid mistake that got out of control.”

 

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before Sanji spoke again, “You know, Chopper, you, and Zoro all told me it would help to talk about it. And I’ve been trying. I tried writing like you suggested too. And that helped a bit. But tonight was the first time I’ve gotten it all out without running away or having a panic attack. I actually feel a lot better. Thanks for listening.”

 

“That’s what friends are for.”

 

*****

 

Once again, Sanji climbed to the crows nest looking for Zoro. He had brought with himself a full bottle of sake. Zoro stood leaning against the wall with his arms crossed against his chest, watching him as he entered the room. “Decide to tell me what’s wrong? Or are you going to pretend you didn’t spend the entire day finding ways to avoid me?”

 

“Here.” Sanji tossed the sake bottle over.

 

“What’s this?”

 

“Peace offering. Look, I’m sorry for how I acted all day. I spoke with Usopp just now about a lot of things, and now I have to talk to you. I told him everything, how it felt, how it still feels, just everything. And it was the first time that I was able to stand someone else touching me while I talked about it. Someone other than you...”

 

“Other than me?”

 

“Zoro, every one else’s touch was making me feel either dirty or scared. But yours makes me feel safe. Just being around you makes me happy... I know that sounds pretty lame, but I can’t really describe it.”

 

The swordsman didn’t say a word as he listened and drank the proffered alcohol. Eventually, he knew, Sanji would get around to what his real purpose for being here was.

 

“And you should know that I tried your... suggestion. Last night.” Zoro raised one eyebrow at that. He had assumed that’s what Sanji was doing in the washroom, but didn’t expect for him to admit it.

 

Sanji’s face tinged pink as he continued, “And you should also know that you’re right. It was totally different. It didn’t hurt, and I certainly got pleasure from it....”

 

He wasn’t looking at Zoro anymore now. “And I’m still not sure if I want a sexual relationship with anyone anytime soon, but I am sure that I want to spend my time with you. Together. Zoro, I need to know what you meant when you kissed me.”

 

Taking that as his cue to stop drinking and actually engage in the conversation, Zoro sighed. “What do you think it meant?”

 

“Well, first I hoped maybe you had some sort of feelings for me. But then nothing really came of it, so I figured that maybe it was just a way for you to stop me from doing anything stupid that day. And then I thought that maybe there was something there, but I was too damaged and dirty to be worth your while, so-“

 

Zoro cut him off, “You’re way over-thinking it, Cook. Yes, I have feelings for you, but I didn’t want to push you into anything. I knew you would sort out what you felt, and if you wanted anything to come from it, you’d let me know. And here you are, asking me -if I’m not mistaken- to be in a relationship with you.”

 

“I’m not too dirty or used for you?”

 

“Sanji, you were not damaged; you were hurt, but you are recovering. Now come here so I can hug my new boyfriend.”

 

The blonde blushed a beautiful shade of red at that, but crossed the room anyway and was pulled into a warm embrace.

 

*****

 

The next morning, Sanji was worried that there would be major differences in how Zoro treated him since their conversation the night before. But he soon realized that not much had changed. Zoro’s gaze might have followed him around more, and his touch might have lingered a bit longer in passing, but it was nothing obvious. He finished making his inventory list as Nami called out that they were approaching the next island.

 

Sanji walked out on deck and climbed the rigging to furl the sails. He was anxious, but looking forward to it. He had skipped leaving the ship on each island they had been to ever since the assault, instead opting to give a list of needed necessities to another crew member to pick up. That had lead to him receiving jalapeño peppers instead of bell peppers from Usopp, and cardamom instead of cinnamon from Chopper. Although that had actually been a blessing in disguise, as Sanji had been using the cardamom to help with his nausea after a panic attack, and before meals to increase his nearly nonexistent appetite.

 

As he climbed down from the rigging, he watched Nami handing out allowances and tasks.

 

“Zoro, I need you to go with Luffy to make sure he stays out of any restaurants. We don’t have much time at this port, and I don’t want trouble.”

 

“Sorry, I’m going with Sanji.”

 

The whole crew looked at him and Sanji blushed from where he stood next to the swordsman.

 

“Without being ordered or threatened to?” Brook earned himself a glare.

 

“My, what is the occasion? Is there anything the rest of the crew should know?” Robin raised an eyebrow as if she knew the answer already, and probably did.

 

“No occasion. I just thought it would be nice to help my boyfriend carry all the supplies back to the ship.”

 

Robin chuckled, Chopper giggled and clapped his hooves, Brook and Nami’s jaws dropped, Franky shouted ‘super!’, Luffy and Usopp didn’t have much of a reaction, and Sanji looked ready to die from embarrassment. While he didn’t like being outed this way, he was actually relieved that Zoro would be with him for his first time being back out in public. So, after some laughs, a lot of questions, and a few innuendos, it was decided Franky and Brook would stick with Luffy, Chopper would go with Usopp and Robin, Nami would stay aboard and Zoro would accompany Sanji.

 

Walking through the marketplace was not as stressful as Sanji thought it would be. It was moderately crowded, but not so much that he couldn’t avoid other people’s touches. As it was, they finished the restocking in a decent amount of time and even had time to stop at a local bakery before returning to the harbor.

 

Now, walking back to the ship with the provisions, Sanji decided to broach a topic he had been skirting around. “Hey, Zoro? What are you expecting from our dating?”

 

“Well, I suppose to spend time with you whenever I want. And maybe some onigiri whenever you make fancy snacks for Robin and Nami.”

 

“But nothing sexual?”

 

“Only if you want that, Cook. Personally, I’d be content with just enjoying time together. If you want to try something in the future, that’d be fine, but it’s not like I need it. Maybe some kisses now and then, though. Holding hands...did you just giggle?”

 

“Sorry. I just never expected to hear you say you wanted to hold hands with anyone.”

 

“What are you expecting from it then?”

 

“Silly things. Like how we went to the bakery together today. I want to have someone who will be willing to try new recipes first before anyone else. I want to have someone to hold on cold nights, and talk to when it’s been a rough day. What?”

 

“And you laughed at me? You are such a sap!”

 

“I prefer the term romantic,” Sanji grumbled, but smiled when Zoro took his hand for the remainder of the walk back to the ship.

 

*****

 

Over the next week, Zoro spent much of his time in the kitchen, watching Sanji cook and eagerly testing new concoctions. Sanji took to sleeping in the crows nest during Zoro’s watch instead of waiting in the bunk room to be woken for his shift. They didn’t instigate anything within sight of the crew, but Sanji often found himself blissfully lip locked when they were alone. True to his word, though, Zoro never went farther than kissing.

 

One night, as everyone filed off to bed, Sanji stopped Zoro with a touch to his arm.

 

“I want to go farther.”

 

“What?” The swordsman wasn’t entirely sure where Sanji was going with this.

 

“I want to try it... with you.”

 

“Are you sure? It’s fine if you’re not, Sanji. I’m not expecting it if you don’t want to.”

 

“No, I’m sure. I want to.” Sanji’s chest was a mess of emotions. Anxiety from what he had gone through; fear that Zoro would reject him because of it; but mostly excitement because he really wanted to take the next step with his boyfriend. He just hoped Zoro felt the same way for him.

 

“We’ll only go as far as you want. Even if we start something and you need to stop, we will, ok? No matter what, you tell me to stop and I’ll stop. It’s supposed to be enjoyable for both of us.” Zoro looked straight into Sanji’s eyes as he said this, but he didn’t see any hesitation there. Nodding, he took the cook’s hand and led them to the crows nest, stopping briefly at the washroom to grab some towels and something out of a drawer.

 

“Ok, how do you want to do this?”

 

“I’m not sure... I guess I want to take it, but that’s about all I’ve thought through.” Sanji realized he didn’t know exactly what was in store for him, but he trusted Zoro enough to lead.

 

The swordsman rolled his eyes and grinned, “Ok. Just let me know if I do something you don’t like.”

 

Sanji nodded as he was pulled into an embraced and he found himself being kissed. It was different than all the previous times. Those had been chaste, almost innocent kisses that made him feel loved and wanted, but not sexualized. This one was full oflust, and it woke up a desire in him he hadn’t felt before. He felt his body responding, and before he could quite rationalize what was happening, he was fully aroused and panting against Zoro’s mouth.

 

Sanji moaned as he felt his shirt unbutton before Zoro slid his warm hands under and pulled their bodies closer together. He lifted Zoro’s shirt in return, breaking the kiss to pull it over his head and toss it away. Shaking his shoulders, Sanji slipped his shirt off and let it fall off his arms to the floor. Zoro pulled away and ran his hands down to Sanji’s forearms, turning them so the scars were visible. He placed kisses all along the damage before drawing him back into a hug.

 

“Ready?” Sanji nodded in response and Zoro led him over to the padded bench.

 

“Take off your pants.”

 

The blonde’s face flushed, but he obeyed and tossed them to the side along with his underwear. Now standing in nothing he felt extremely exposed. Physically of course, but emotionally as well. Zoro knew everything that he had gone through, at Ray’s hand and his own. And he still accepted him, loved him, and was willing to do all this with him. Sanji felt his eyes water and he looked down to the floor. A gentle hand pulled his chin back up.

 

“Sanji, what’s wrong?”

 

He bit his lower lip, remembering what Usopp had said about communication. “I want to keep going. It’s just ... you’re being so gentle. Even though you know everything, you are still treating me like I deserve to be loved. And it feels wonderful.”

 

“That’s because you do. Now come here, and I’ll make you feel even better.” Zoro’s voice dropped and Sanji couldn’t believe how seductive he sounded. He let himself be drawn onto Zoro’s lap.

 

They sat on the bench, Sanji straddling Zoro with his knees propped on the bench and his hands linked behind his neck. Zoro massaged Sanji’s hips and pushed down, causing him to grind onto his hard, still clothed erection. The chef moaned at the feeling and reached to undo the offending clothing.

 

Zoro caught his hands, “Not yet.” He reached for the small bottle they had gotten from the washroom, and popped it open, pouring some of the liquid onto his fingers. He set the bottle aside and lowered his hand. Making eye contact with Sanji, he gently brushed against his entrance.

 

Sanji dropped his head onto Zoro’s shoulder with another moan as he felt a single finger slip inside. His cock twitched as Zoro moved into him. He felt as the finger twisted around, making sure to get lube over every surface. He gasped as a second finger joined the first, stretching and loosening him up. The third caused him to whimper. It wasn’t extremely painful, but it also wasn’t enjoyable. That was until Zoro hit his sweet spot causing all his tension to dissipate and his body to relax. The pain disappeared and left in its place a need to be filled. 

 

The blonde started to move his hips in rhythm, trying to fill that need and force Zoro’s fingers deeper. He moaned as Zoro withdrew, but realized what was coming next.

 

Sanji stood as Zoro removed the remainder of his clothing. He watched as his lover spread more lube on himself and decided to ask. “How do you want me?” Zoro grinned at him and pulled him back into his lap, causing him to straddle his bare erection this time.

 

“Go slow, ok? Don’t do anymore than you can take. But this way, you are in control. Ready?” Sanji nodded, lifting up a bit so that Zoro could place the tip at his entrance.

He closed his eyes and slowly sank down, stretching around Zoro’s arousal. 

 

“Oh fuck!” He felt hands on his hips, stilling him immediately. “No I’m fine. It just feels really good.” The hands let up on holding him still, but didn’t leave. Sanji slid the rest of Zoro’s length inside of himself, feeling it brush past his prostate, causing him to moan loudly. Once fully seated, he took some time to adjust to the size.

 

Zoro didn’t move as Sanji adjusted. He knew how painful that part could be if you weren’t used to it. He really hoped that he had prepared the chef enough. As he felt Sanji relax, he ground up into him, enjoying the reaction it got him. Doing it again, he felt the blonde respond and start moving his own hips.

 

They started slow, sensually. Sanji gradually branched out and tried different speeds and movements. Then he hooked his feet back over Zoro’s knees, causing his back to arch and the angle to change.

 

“Sanji...” the low rumble of the swordsman’s voice caused a new wave of arousal to slam into him, and he picked up the pace. “Sanji, I’m close.” He warned and then wrapped his hand around the chef’s cock that bounced as he moved. Zoro squeezed gently and then began moving his hand in time to Sanji’s motions on his own.

 

Sanji threw his head back and let out a lewd cry as his motions became erratic. A few more pumps had him spilling his seed all over Zoro’s front. The sight was enough to set Zoro off as well, and he lifted Sanji off his throbbing cock quickly before shooting his load to join the mess Sanji had made.

 

Sanji collapsed back onto Zoro, not caring about their mixed ejaculate. He had so many hormones and emotions running through him, his mind couldn’t keep up and he started sobbing. Zoro seemed to understand and simply held him close, rubbing his back and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Sanji finally calmed down enough to voice his feelings.

 

“Zoro, that was better than I ever expected!”

 

“You seemed to be enjoying yourself alright. How are you doing? Are you ok?” His eyes showed concern as he asked.

 

“I’m more than ok, Zoro. That was amazing!” He leaned down and kissed Zoro with all the passion he could muster, feeling Zoro respond in kind.

 

Zoro shifted Sanji off him to sit on the bench. He reached for the towels they had brought with them and cleaned himself up, handing his lover another towel for himself.

 

“M’tired, Zoro.” Sanji could barely keep his eyes open at this point.

 

“Well you have to get dressed if you want to sleep here. The door doesn’t lock.”

 

“The infirmary does.”

 

*****

 

They were woken the next morning by Chopper pounding on the infirmary door demanding he let them in.

 

“Maybe we can take over one of the storage rooms? Or just add a way to lock the crows nest.” Sanji grumbled to himself as he got dressed, trying to ignore Chopper’s pounding.

 

“Already want it again?” Zoro laughed at Sanji’s expression as he went to open the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me through a second part!

**Author's Note:**

> **said to me one by a good friend, a few words changed but not many. Used with permission.


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